I want a husband

It sounds funny actually saying that, because I don't.

I am twenty years old, I have tons of life ahead of me. Tons.

If everything falls into place, in 7 months I will be on my way to Australia.

I have 2 years of school left.

I'm pretty much busy 24/7.

I don't have time for a husband or a boyfriend for that matter, and even if I did I would be crazy to start a relationship before I left for Australia. How could I enjoy studying abroad if my heart was in America? I have been praying so hard against meeting someone interesting before I leave because I don't want to be distracted. I also have been praying hard against meeting anyone in Australia because I know in the heat of the moment I'll convince myself it will work out when in reality, it wont.

That being said, while I was in high school I'd go from guy to guy. Sometimes I wouldn't take my foot off one guy unless I had a firm footing on another guy. This has been going on since I started dating, in 7th grade so this dating method has really been drilled into me. I think the longest I went being truly single was 3 months. In April 2009 I made a pact to stay single for a year, I broke that pact in August for a short 4 month relationship. It has been 7 months since I've been in a relationship and although, it's been hard, it's been so good. With this study abroad trip planned, if all goes as planned I will be single for a total of 20 months.

I tell you all of that to say frankly, this is an area where I am weak. And because I am weak the Devil likes to use everything in his power to get me to cave. More recently then not, I've noticed more and more friends getting married, along with more of my friends getting serious with their boyfriends. Every tv show is filled with reminders, and just a walk in the grocery store is a sad hint of my relationship status. I find myself thinking I could easily go back to my old way of life, dating just to date and not dating to glorify Jesus. I know that sounds a little intense, but these last 7 months that I've had to think, and even before that I'd realized how important living for Christ is.

I truly want to get married for 3 main reasons.

One, To understand how much Christ loved the Church.

Two, To grow in my relationship with Christ through encouragement from someone who loves me and watch someone I love grow closer to Someone I love even more.

Three, To hang out with my best friend 24/7

Obviously there are other reasons as well, but those are the main ones. All the other things that come along with marriage I could honestly do without as long as I had those 3. But the extra perks are nice.

I want my relationship to be centered around the advancement of Christ. I also don't want to date anyone just because they are a Christian.

I know the Lord is preparing my heart. I know the Lord is building me up by forcing me to be patient. I know the Lord is faithful.

Even if I were to die tomorrow, or live until I was 102 without ever getting married I know the Lord has some great plans for me. If I am not meant to get married, I know that the Lord has better plans for me. Through all of this I have constantly kept in mind 1 Corinthians 7 and Pauls thoughts on the single life.

God is so fulfilling. He truly is. I don't need a husband to be complete. All I need is the Lord and I'm set for life.

Isaiah 54:5 says "For your Maker is your husband, the Lord of hosts is His name; and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer, the God of the whole earth He is called."

A Perfect Noise for a Perfect Creator

God has placed two wonderful souls in my life. My only two friends in Denton, Autumn and Adam, have decided lead a small bible study every Tuesday night for college students (and beyond) in my tiny 450 square foot studio apartment. Last night was the 4th week and we had about 8 souls in my "living room" gathered for the same purpose, Jesus. The past few weeks have been awesome, I have loved diving so deep into the Word. I look forward to what will come up and be discussed as we go verse by verse in the book of James and to listen to other peoples input has been incredible. We have such a fun mix of people, it's interesting to hear from every walk of life.

This week set apart coincidence from answered prayer. I have been praying since November for friends in Denton. Friends that follow Jesus and that provide fellowship that will support my relationship with Christ. Friends that aren't cancerous, or play politics. Friends that Love, only because Jesus put that emotion in them and not because of my doing. With that being said I am going to try and describe last night. Two new people joined the study and brought along a guitar and their voices for a time of worship. As they strummed along to "Beautiful" by Phil Wickham (listen) while sitting directly below my "Beautiful" painting I was brought to tears. The mental picture I have is something I will never forget.

Eight strangers, 5 brothers and 3 sisters, all together worshiping our Father in my 450 square foot studio apartment.

Jeremiah 31:3 says, "the Lord appeared to him from far away. I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you."

Praise God for His faithfulness, for His love and for His heart for His people.

I'll stay with you.

I've written at least 5 blogs about Joey, spent hundreds of hours thinking and talking about him and the tears I've cried are countless.

Let me be the first to say I am aware of how annoying it is. It's easy to just say "ok, you've spent 2 years being sad, it's time to get over it". I genuinely wish it was that easy. I wish I could just say "alright, I've mourned now it's over and I can get on with my life". But I can't. People that haven't lost someone don't know how it hurts, but losing someone close isn't a pain I'd wish on my greatest enemies.

It's real and it's numb.

It's hard and it's confusing.

It's long and it's slow.

It's lonely and it's sad.

Joey and I met for coffee on May 28th, 2008 to discuss his plans for California.

Joey died on May 30th.

I graduated high school on June 7th.

The Zwall's asked me to come over on June 8th where I was told of what had happened.

Every year between May 28th, and June 8th, I am covered burdened with pain. I still have to remind myself that he is really gone. I don't go days without thinking about him, ever. And his memory is often on my mind.

Please don't get me wrong, I am not fishing for sympathy nor am I trying to make anyone sad. Remember, "He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away" Revelation 21:4. The point of this story is God wins. Why is the Old Testament different then the New Testament? Because we wouldn't know how much Jesus was needed. How much Jesus is needed. We sometimes need to experience pain to appreciate Goodness.

As the anniversary of the day I found out my best friend was killed approaches I selfishly ask for prayers of comfort for myself and the Zwall family (Wendy, Jeff & Matt), as well as all of the friends Joey left here.

I'll stay with you, the walls will fall before we do.

ilu Joey Robert Zwall.

YoungLifeSeniorClub

So tonight was YoungLife Senior Club. I thought I wouldn't be emotional because I've only been with these girls for a semester. I thought that I wouldn't be that sad because I didn't watch these girls grow up and I didn't spend too much time with them before this past year.

I was wrong. I didn't get visibly emotional but at the end of club, watching the brave seniors stand on stage, in a place I was just 2 short years ago, and talk about what YoungLife has done for them was incredible. The point always being Jesus, and their appreciation for the organization. When they mentioned how much their leaders had done for them it was so touching. A girl I actually took to camp this summer came up to me after and thanked me for everything I'd done for her and in that moment I realized the gift that God gave me.

I often say that God could be doing this ministry without me and that it is a blessing that He has given me the opportunity to minister to high school girls, but to hear some of the testimonies from these students was pure blissful truth that I am the blessed one. The love I have for them is real, they have real souls and are going to go on to do real incredible things.

Happy Birthday to me!

So my birthday is in about 20 minutes.

Usually I get really excited about birthdays and usually I get let down. I place these outrageous expectations on one day and it NEVER works out.

Tonight as I was leaving campaigners, I started getting my hopes up for tomorrow. I mean I have had the most amazing week of my life. Really, I have. Tuesday I was in Austin and marched to the capital and rallied and just had a BLAST. Wednesday I got into the social work program and got one of the nicest letters ever from one of my summer staff friends (shout out to SAL!) and then today I just had an all around great day. I feel all this momentum leading up to my 20th birthday which has to be great?! Right?!

So as I started getting my hopes up I realized what was happening. I realized that I ALWAYS get my hopes up and am always let down so I immediately started telling myself not to get my hopes up. That it was just another day and if I have high expectations they are going to betray me and I am going to end up with another sad birthday. THEN I realized that I was being ridiculous.

It's my 20th birthday. The one day that I get to celebrate this crazy idea God had-- giving me life, and letting me be apart of this universe. Have expectations! But in the end, even if it is a horrible day and everything goes wrong remember that God still loves me. God still wants me to be apart of His family and above everything else, God is good.

(p.s. photo by the BEAUTIFUL Kristin Bohacek)

PTL PTL PTL

Praise. The. Lord.

Thank you personally for praying for me.

A few weeks ago I wrote a blog about how I felt so isolated in Denton and how I'd tried to make friends and it wasn't happening-- see Are You kidding me?

Well, God has responded. This blog probably wont be too long but I just wanted to say thank you so much. On Wednesday I was able to meet with a fellow UNT transfer student and it was a blast! We got lunch and I had a great time talking and being in fellowship with each other. That night I went to an event at The Village and met a girl that is a member of The Village and we prayed together and it was awesome! THEN, Thursday I went to Frisco a few hours before young life so I could do some bible studying and I met this guy that goes to the Village and he invited me to a home group!!

To say that the Lord has been faithful would be a complete understatement. The Lord has been more then faithful and I am so encouraged by Him.

PTL

Can Someone Keep Me Accountable?

Here is my reading (and a few of them are rereads) list!

Prayer -Yancey
The Ragamuffin Gospel - Manning
50 Reasons Why Jesus Came To Die -Piper
Desiring God - Piper
The Amazing Love Story - Ashburn
Velvet Elvis -Bell
The One Thing You Can't Do In Heaven -Cahill
Crazy Love -Chan
Forgotton God -Chan
Don't Waste Your Life -Piper
Searching For God Knows What - Miller
Same Kind of Different As Me -Hall
C.S. Lewis's Case for Christ -Lindsley
The Heavenly Man -Yun
Mere Christianity -Lewis
Blue Like Jazz - Miller
Jesus Wants To Save Christians- Bell
The Meaning of Prayer -Fosdick
Purpose for the Pain -Yohe
The Case For A Creator -Strobel

Goal= read all these books before the end of the summer.