I do miss my family and friends back home, but no part of me really desires to leave Australia. I love it so much here. It brings me to tears. More often I've been mourning how much I'm going to miss it here. I know when I get back to the states I will be completely heartbroken. In no way am I saying that I don't love or want to see everyone back in the States, this has nothing to do with them and I love them more then ever! It's more about my passion for this country and the people I've met.
I've been recently forced to deal with the fact that I can't keep up some relationships in the same way when I get back home. Seeing people every day, hugging them, etc. is something that is not possible and sometimes Skype just isn't enough.
The thought of these relationships being cut off has filled my heart with sorrow. Don't get me wrong I am fully aware that moving back to the states isn't the end of these friendships or relationships but putting a one year pause on everything isn't my idea of fun. Romans 5:3-5 has been incredibly comforting "More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.". But to be honest it's the second part that I've really taken to heart. The part about suffering producing endurance, and endurance producing character and so on, but the part about rejoicing in our sufferings hadn't really hit me.
On top of all this, the anniversary of Joey's death was Monday and I think it was the hardest one thus far. I struggled a lot and spent a lot of time weeping. Knowing that Jesus wept (John 11:35) when Lazarus died has lightened the burden, but that doesn't mean it isn't still really hard.
During the past few weeks it's been a struggle to get out of bed. Not in a 'depressed' way, but more of a 'I don't want another day to pass by bringing my closer to my departure' way. I also have issues with going to sleep because I hate working all day and spending so much time building up all these good emotions and finally being ok with the outcome of leaving, just to go to sleep and start from scratch the next morning.
While contemplating everything, I've come to the most incredible realization. God's faithfulness.
Something I've been praying about for 3 years has come to finally be.
You see, I've had a desire to 'rely on God so much that if He were to not come through I'd fall flat on my face -- every day'. And this is finally coming true.
I've found that the last fews weeks have been the hardest weeks of my entire life...drawing me closer and closer to the Lord. I've spent more time in prayer then I ever have in my life. I've learned how to completely rely on the Lord so much that if He didn't come through I'd be crushed. I can't get through the day without scripture and constant prayer. There isn't anything that keeps me going every day besides the Lord. I've been forced to rely on Him more then ever before.
What an answered prayer! It feels so good to know that what is getting me through each day is the same Thing that created the Heavens and the Earth.
I find new meaning to verses like 2 Corinthians 12:10 where Paul states, "For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." and finding joy in sufferings is easier then I ever imagined.
Praise the Lord.
