Wait, you're meant to find joy in sufferings?!

Lately times have been hard. There's no getting around admitting that.

I do miss my family and friends back home, but no part of me really desires to leave Australia. I love it so much here. It brings me to tears. More often I've been mourning how much I'm going to miss it here. I know when I get back to the states I will be completely heartbroken. In no way am I saying that I don't love or want to see everyone back in the States, this has nothing to do with them and I love them more then ever! It's more about my passion for this country and the people I've met.

I've been recently forced to deal with the fact that I can't keep up some relationships in the same way when I get back home. Seeing people every day, hugging them, etc. is something that is not possible and sometimes Skype just isn't enough.

The thought of these relationships being cut off has filled my heart with sorrow. Don't get me wrong I am fully aware that moving back to the states isn't the end of these friendships or relationships but putting a one year pause on everything isn't my idea of fun. Romans 5:3-5 has been incredibly comforting "More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.". But to be honest it's the second part that I've really taken to heart. The part about suffering producing endurance, and endurance producing character and so on, but the part about rejoicing in our sufferings hadn't really hit me.

On top of all this, the anniversary of Joey's death was Monday and I think it was the hardest one thus far. I struggled a lot and spent a lot of time weeping. Knowing that Jesus wept (John 11:35) when Lazarus died has lightened the burden, but that doesn't mean it isn't still really hard.

During the past few weeks it's been a struggle to get out of bed. Not in a 'depressed' way, but more of a 'I don't want another day to pass by bringing my closer to my departure' way. I also have issues with going to sleep because I hate working all day and spending so much time building up all these good emotions and finally being ok with the outcome of leaving, just to go to sleep and start from scratch the next morning.

While contemplating everything, I've come to the most incredible realization. God's faithfulness.

Something I've been praying about for 3 years has come to finally be.

You see, I've had a desire to 'rely on God so much that if He were to not come through I'd fall flat on my face -- every day'. And this is finally coming true.

I've found that the last fews weeks have been the hardest weeks of my entire life...drawing me closer and closer to the Lord. I've spent more time in prayer then I ever have in my life. I've learned how to completely rely on the Lord so much that if He didn't come through I'd be crushed. I can't get through the day without scripture and constant prayer. There isn't anything that keeps me going every day besides the Lord. I've been forced to rely on Him more then ever before.

What an answered prayer! It feels so good to know that what is getting me through each day is the same Thing that created the Heavens and the Earth.

I find new meaning to verses like 2 Corinthians 12:10 where Paul states, "For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." and finding joy in sufferings is easier then I ever imagined.

Praise the Lord.

Prayer; God; Fellowship

This week has been rough. But the way my friends have truly cared for me has helped my heart in more ways then words can describe.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4 "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God."

Hebrews 13:3 "Remember those who are in prison, as though in prison with them, and those who are mistreated, since you also are in the body. "

Romans 12:15 "Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep."

The bible calls us to help others, and to see the bible played out in my own life has been a positive thing

I'll stay with you.

I've written at least 5 blogs about Joey, spent hundreds of hours thinking and talking about him and the tears I've cried are countless.

Let me be the first to say I am aware of how annoying it is. It's easy to just say "ok, you've spent 2 years being sad, it's time to get over it". I genuinely wish it was that easy. I wish I could just say "alright, I've mourned now it's over and I can get on with my life". But I can't. People that haven't lost someone don't know how it hurts, but losing someone close isn't a pain I'd wish on my greatest enemies.

It's real and it's numb.

It's hard and it's confusing.

It's long and it's slow.

It's lonely and it's sad.

Joey and I met for coffee on May 28th, 2008 to discuss his plans for California.

Joey died on May 30th.

I graduated high school on June 7th.

The Zwall's asked me to come over on June 8th where I was told of what had happened.

Every year between May 28th, and June 8th, I am covered burdened with pain. I still have to remind myself that he is really gone. I don't go days without thinking about him, ever. And his memory is often on my mind.

Please don't get me wrong, I am not fishing for sympathy nor am I trying to make anyone sad. Remember, "He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away" Revelation 21:4. The point of this story is God wins. Why is the Old Testament different then the New Testament? Because we wouldn't know how much Jesus was needed. How much Jesus is needed. We sometimes need to experience pain to appreciate Goodness.

As the anniversary of the day I found out my best friend was killed approaches I selfishly ask for prayers of comfort for myself and the Zwall family (Wendy, Jeff & Matt), as well as all of the friends Joey left here.

I'll stay with you, the walls will fall before we do.

ilu Joey Robert Zwall.

"I just don't desire to be your friend."

Disclaimer: I did not write this to offend anyone. Just saw an opportunity to learn from God and used it.

Recently a friend of mine said those 8 heart piercing words to me. It was painful. I really considered this person close and valued the friendship we shared. Don't get me wrong, or attempt to "read between the lines" this is not a blog bashing that person, this person isn't evil or rude, they are actually pretty neat and I am fully aware this is a desire that God put in their heart. At first I must admit that I was really upset. Tears were involved and I was very very angry. I originally thought this person was being selfish, and intentionally hurtful. It was only after a month of simmering in the situation that I realized the bigger (much bigger) picture.

How many times has someone have I gotten close to God just to pull away like my friend did? For example, Junior year of high school: I just got back from YoungLife camp and was thinking about doing WorkCrew (where you actually get to work at a camp for a month). I started a book required for the training process called Becoming More Like Jesus, and I really was. Well to an extent. I was going so deep and really getting a great grasp for who Jesus was and what He did...on a very basic level. I was humble (well as humble as a 16 year old girl can be), loved putting friends before myself and memorizing scripture was a highlight of my day. Jesus was changing my life and I loved it. I was getting so close to God, spending so much time with him. I'd bring my bible to school and read it every (and I mean EVERY) chance I'd get. I wasn't afraid to pull out my bible with random people in fear of offending them. I had such a childlike faith (something I yearn for today). God was my best friend. I talked to Him all the time, honestly and held nothing back. From the looks of things, everything was going great. Then I dropped a bomb. (Here is where my story about my friend, and the story about my Junior year differ) My friends back home weren't too excited about the whole God thing so after a few months of going steady, I ended things. It wasn't like a legit break up or anything I mean I still saw Him on the side, just not when my friend were around. And every time He called out to me I asked Him to hold on, but when I needed Him, I needed Him right then and there. Finally I said those 8 words. Well, plus a few. "God, I just don't desire to be your friend. Not right now at least" I saw that having fun with my friends was easier then hanging out with God because I got immediate responses, and "the now factor" was in full force. I said "see Ya later God" for quite a while. While I didn't stop going to church or YoungLife, I stopped really caring about God and having an intimate relationship with Him.

Back to my friend from before, after everything went down I couldn't believe someone could really say that to another person, let alone someone I really thought I knew, but I realized that I've said it to God a numerous amount of times. (Most) every time I get a new boyfriend it's Sayonara. Or if school gets too hard too handle, Adios! Not to say that God didn't know it was going to happen or that I got His hopes up (because He definitely created me and He of all people know how I am), but I think He did get His hopes up. How many times have you seen Moulin Rouge and rooted for the guy and the girl to be together knowing the ending? Or Titanic, you wanted so badly for Rose and Jack to make it to the mainland, even though you've seen in a million times and know Jack dies. I think that's how it was for God. He knew the ending, well that current situation's ending, but I firmly believe He was rooting for me. He wanted me to pick Him but I didn't. Now I don't want to confuse you, I'm not saying that I'm not going to end up picking Him every time, because I pray all the time that I will, and that ending I feel pretty secure about.

How about you, though? How many times have you told God you didn't desire to be His friend? That getting drunk was too much fun and you didn't have time right now. Or when God puts a mission in your life and you choose to ignore it. Believe me, moving 300 miles away from your home because God is telling you too is not easy. And this may seem like a simple lesson, this blog, but it took me a while to learn and I don't intend on forgetting it. After talking everything out with God the expression "if it were a snake it would have bit me" comes directly to me. I wish I would have learned this when I was a Junior. I've wasted so much time building up this great relationship with God just to have it smashed when I didn't desire to be His anymore. I wouldn't wish this fate upon anyone which brings me to my blog, although I'm sure its only read by few (if that), I want to send out this warning:

GOD is great. GOD created the universe (if you disagree, I'd really rather not argue with you; just read my current favorite book The Case for Christ, written by a nonbeliever [Lee Strobel]). HE is awesome. Don't put HIM on the back burner for anyone, or anything. HE is rooting for you. And most of all, HE desires to be your friend (as cliché as it sounds).

In ending I'd like to say once more, that this is not meant to be rude or hateful. I've just learned a valuable (very very valuable) lesson and feel God pushing me (He's been dropping hints EVERYWHERE!) to share it with you, personally.