Wait, you're meant to find joy in sufferings?!

Lately times have been hard. There's no getting around admitting that.

I do miss my family and friends back home, but no part of me really desires to leave Australia. I love it so much here. It brings me to tears. More often I've been mourning how much I'm going to miss it here. I know when I get back to the states I will be completely heartbroken. In no way am I saying that I don't love or want to see everyone back in the States, this has nothing to do with them and I love them more then ever! It's more about my passion for this country and the people I've met.

I've been recently forced to deal with the fact that I can't keep up some relationships in the same way when I get back home. Seeing people every day, hugging them, etc. is something that is not possible and sometimes Skype just isn't enough.

The thought of these relationships being cut off has filled my heart with sorrow. Don't get me wrong I am fully aware that moving back to the states isn't the end of these friendships or relationships but putting a one year pause on everything isn't my idea of fun. Romans 5:3-5 has been incredibly comforting "More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.". But to be honest it's the second part that I've really taken to heart. The part about suffering producing endurance, and endurance producing character and so on, but the part about rejoicing in our sufferings hadn't really hit me.

On top of all this, the anniversary of Joey's death was Monday and I think it was the hardest one thus far. I struggled a lot and spent a lot of time weeping. Knowing that Jesus wept (John 11:35) when Lazarus died has lightened the burden, but that doesn't mean it isn't still really hard.

During the past few weeks it's been a struggle to get out of bed. Not in a 'depressed' way, but more of a 'I don't want another day to pass by bringing my closer to my departure' way. I also have issues with going to sleep because I hate working all day and spending so much time building up all these good emotions and finally being ok with the outcome of leaving, just to go to sleep and start from scratch the next morning.

While contemplating everything, I've come to the most incredible realization. God's faithfulness.

Something I've been praying about for 3 years has come to finally be.

You see, I've had a desire to 'rely on God so much that if He were to not come through I'd fall flat on my face -- every day'. And this is finally coming true.

I've found that the last fews weeks have been the hardest weeks of my entire life...drawing me closer and closer to the Lord. I've spent more time in prayer then I ever have in my life. I've learned how to completely rely on the Lord so much that if He didn't come through I'd be crushed. I can't get through the day without scripture and constant prayer. There isn't anything that keeps me going every day besides the Lord. I've been forced to rely on Him more then ever before.

What an answered prayer! It feels so good to know that what is getting me through each day is the same Thing that created the Heavens and the Earth.

I find new meaning to verses like 2 Corinthians 12:10 where Paul states, "For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." and finding joy in sufferings is easier then I ever imagined.

Praise the Lord.

Same Song, Different Country

On Wednesdays I don’t have class so we’ve dubbed it “Beach Adventure day”. We decided to go to Watson’s Bay this week and it was beyond words. It’s semi-secluded so we shared the beach with maybe 20 other people. There is a nude beach about 300 meters away from our spot and some people were confused so we saw a few naked women but it was hilarious to see the boys following them around.

We ended up playing with a little boy, only 1 years old! He was the cutest, and we played with him for about an hour until his dad came over to say they had to go. As they were leaving his dad called his name to get his attention. Joey. This isn’t the first time I’ve thought about Joey here. I still think about him daily, and miss him immensely. After I got home I put my ipod on shuffle and “Still Here” by Natasha Bedingfield came on my shuffle which is a classic song that brings me back to the memories I have of Joey. This seemed to be the cherry on top, but all in all I’m thankful I’m here and I’m thankful that Joey’s memory seems to be living on, even in the land of Oz.

Happy Happy Birthday!

I know I said I wouldn't write any more sad post about Joey, but it's his birfday!

For your birthday this year I will put up an incredibly embarrassing picture of us before we went to homecoming one year.

You'd be 20 today! Meaning this 4 year old picture should be burned. Haha no, but really I love you and will be spending the day celebrating your life and how wonderful you were.

Anne said it best "How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard."

I'll stay with you.

I've written at least 5 blogs about Joey, spent hundreds of hours thinking and talking about him and the tears I've cried are countless.

Let me be the first to say I am aware of how annoying it is. It's easy to just say "ok, you've spent 2 years being sad, it's time to get over it". I genuinely wish it was that easy. I wish I could just say "alright, I've mourned now it's over and I can get on with my life". But I can't. People that haven't lost someone don't know how it hurts, but losing someone close isn't a pain I'd wish on my greatest enemies.

It's real and it's numb.

It's hard and it's confusing.

It's long and it's slow.

It's lonely and it's sad.

Joey and I met for coffee on May 28th, 2008 to discuss his plans for California.

Joey died on May 30th.

I graduated high school on June 7th.

The Zwall's asked me to come over on June 8th where I was told of what had happened.

Every year between May 28th, and June 8th, I am covered burdened with pain. I still have to remind myself that he is really gone. I don't go days without thinking about him, ever. And his memory is often on my mind.

Please don't get me wrong, I am not fishing for sympathy nor am I trying to make anyone sad. Remember, "He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away" Revelation 21:4. The point of this story is God wins. Why is the Old Testament different then the New Testament? Because we wouldn't know how much Jesus was needed. How much Jesus is needed. We sometimes need to experience pain to appreciate Goodness.

As the anniversary of the day I found out my best friend was killed approaches I selfishly ask for prayers of comfort for myself and the Zwall family (Wendy, Jeff & Matt), as well as all of the friends Joey left here.

I'll stay with you, the walls will fall before we do.

ilu Joey Robert Zwall.

JRZ

MaryKate&Ashley

I miss you so much.
The day I found out you were gone will always feel recent. I can tell you every detail about that day from the moment I woke up at Jaz's house to the moment I slowly drifted to sleep. Everyone came over so we could be together. Even Juan, and you know how that friendship was. Of course we are much better friends now. I remember laying on the floor of my room without enough energy to get up. Someone would ask me how I was and the only emotion I could register was sadness. The constant calls and text messages from people I hadn't talked to in years. June 8th was my worst day. But I made it, and although God has strengthened my heart, He hasn't erased our memories.

I don't question His plan. He is so much bigger then I am, and I know that God is Good. He put you in my life for so many reasons.

I love you twin.