Are You kidding me?!

I don't like blogs about problems. Even more- I don't like writing them. That being said please excuse my last 10 blogs my entire blogging history...and this blog. But starting next blog I'll try to keep them as upbeat as possible. My apologies.

So I have ended my day today with a general theme of how I feel about living in Denton right now. Bitter probably isn't the best word...maybe a little bit of bitterness mixed with confusion mixed with a patience-problem. Boiling it down it all comes out to a big "Are You Kidding me God?"

I don't want this to sound depressing at all so get that thought out of your head because I am not at all depressed...or pissed, just confused. Back on track- I have no friends in Denton. Not one true friend that I hang out with and call and live life with. A few people go to UNT that I went to high school with, there are a few people I have classes with that I talk to..during class (and of course if heaven forbid someone were to get some crazy illness and need me to take notes for them) and then one or two that I have hung out with once and then fallen off the radar. I have been racking my brain on how I made friends in Arkansas because I didn't go there with a bunch of friends yet when I left I had so many good ones. So what is going on?

I think the Lord is calling me to a season of isolation. I say that only because I have definitely tried to make friends. I go to the same church every week and sit by myself, I even got baptized at the church! (Not to make friends of course but because of my love for Jesus!) I tried to join a home group but they are all full. There aren't enough leaders to lead more home groups so I'm kind of out of luck with that avenue. I have applied to 7 jobs and no one has called me back. Today was my most desperate attempt to make friends. I went to the crime alert meeting at my apartment complex. I was the only one that attended...out of over 300+ residents. After that I went to a different church's College group (The church I currently go to doesn't have a college group) where I sat by myself and met no one. Obvi I could have gone up to a random person and introduced myself but it seemed like EVERYONE was in a group with 2 or 3 other people and were in deep conversation.

I'm not going to lie, I came home very frustrated. Not at the church I went to or the residents in my complex but at God. Why would You call me to a place 300 miles away from my friends and then not deliver? What is the point of being here? I mean I have my ministry in Frisco with Young Life and I absolutely love it. I love my girls, I love the leaders I love the deliverance of the Gospel. I love that. But why Denton? Why UNT? I take the bus every day and every day there are new faces. I go to the same classes where everyone seems to know everyone and I end up just hanging out alone. I even met some of the Young Life leaders here (because I thought we'd have so much in common) but they never remember me when I see them around town. I go to church every week and I am recognized by no one. Why? Again, I am not mad, just confused. I enjoy the time I have to myself. I never sit at home and wish I had friends in Denton to come over and hang out with because I'm usually pretty busy with reading or homework. I do sit at home and wish I had community and fellowship in Denton. What I really long for is a house to live in with a couple of Jesus loving girls in this beautiful city.

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified. Romans 8:28-30

Therefore do not throw away your confidence, which has a great reward. For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God you may receive what is promised. Hebrews 10:35-36

Mmmmm Good one God. Plus 5

I love it. I am ok with not having friends right now because it is building up my relationship with Christ and when I have a problem instead of calling up the first friend I can think of, I call up the only Friend that can honestly say loves me unconditionally and always has my best at heart. I am constantly on my own and being pointed to scripture by the Holy Spirit and it is awesome. Would I choose this isolated life over one filled with friends? Probably not but I'm glad that it has made a nice little(hopefully) appearance.

It has forced me to look back on all the times I was at an event with tons of my friends and saw someone sitting by themselves. It gave them a personality in my mind. I know I was overlooked by tons of people tonight, not even thought about by most. I know that I am someone they will probably never think about again and that it didn't even register that I have a story and a future. So many times I convince myself I am different and unique but in their minds I am just a body occupying space. I know this because I have done that. Non-consciously thought that about countless of people. Now that I know how it feels to be outside of the crowd I want to be on the inside so I can put this knowledge to good use. Other people that have felt the way I felt tonight, I know it.

Another Good one God for tonight. Plus 7

If you get a chance, please pray for endurance for me. And please let me know in a comment or a facebook message or even an email if there is anything I can be praying for you about.

Love you, mean it.

The Village

I don't ever want to be one of those people that say "Matt Chandler says ..." or "At the village we were taught...." etc. because I always want to be someone that says "the bible taught me...." but this website changed my life.

http://denton.thevillagechurch.net/articles

Question/Answers that are backed up by legit scripture.
not Matt Chandler
or The Village
or my young life leader
or my friend
or some guy on the side of the road.

Nope, that thing that The Holy Spirit gave to us. You know, The Bible.


If you were raised in the church, awesome.
I wasn't so I don't know how that feels, but from what I've experienced I feel the desperate need to tell you personally to keep an open mind.
Read Romans 2, look how far being Jewish got people with Jesus. Read Philippians 3, Paul is constantly throwing out his Jewish credentials. Read Ephesians 3. Read Luke 13:23-28.

I do not know everything, believe me I am very far from that. But Since I am such a baby Jesus-follower I have to keep an open mind to everything. I wasn't fed religion as a child so usually when I hear something radical that is "in the bible" I always have to check it out for myself to make sure its true. It breaks my heart that people were taught certain theologies as if they were 100% Truth and they have no room to look for themselves because they were taught at such a young age that one way is the right way always. It's almost like a prejudice because it seems like it's a pre-recorded tape playing over and over in their head. This is not a shot at people who have been raised in the Church. In fact I am very envious of you because you were able to learn about Jesus for 19 years and I started my journey 5 years ago. All I am saying is before you defend a certain theology, question it and find it for yourself in the bible. Google the pros and cons of it. Make your own opinions.

Love you, mean it.

You're worth it.

This weekend I went on leadership retreat where I was able to hear Bob Mitchell, one of the first members of Young Life, speak. He is incredible. His dad donated money to Jim Rayburn to start up the first club (even though it was called something different then), Bob's entire family became believes because of Young Life and Bob went on to become the president of Young Life years later. Obviously he isn't too young but he is so full of knowledge, and on top of all that - he is hilarious! I took some videos of him speaking-

This one is about Jim Rayburn and a camping trip they went on. The first part got cut off but basically Bob was talking about how on the camping trip Jim had a blow up mattress and everyone else had sleeping bags and they were so upset that in the middle of the night they unplugged his mattress and let all the air out...

And this one is about him being old (:

I love him and am so blessed to have been able to listen to him speak.

my birthday is in 53 days

or something like that.

I don't care about possessions but if you feel the need.....

why not one for one?!?

Borges Cordones -size 8

Dolina Cordones -size 8

Shirt -small

I love TOMS shoes, and have had a long unwanted break with a new pair. The shoes have gotten pretty pricey so if you want to chip in $5 I would be $5 closer to a new pair! It's been toooo long. The styles go fast so I'm sure in 50 days these will be gone.

With that being said if you want to give me money I'd much rather you pledge a donation to Frisco YoungLife to get kids to camp! We are having a bowl-a-thon on April 18th (oh 2 days after my birthday, how convenient!!) and you can pledge to donate per pin I knock down!! It would be so great if you could help us out! Let me know (:

If you email me your mailing address I'll get a fundraising letter sent to you along with an extra envelope to send donations back!

Etty Hillesum

a young Jewish girl who kept a journal during her stay at Auschwitz.

"Sometimes when I stand in some corner of the camp, my feet planted on Your earth, my eyes raised towards Your Heaven, tears sometimes run down my face, tears of deep emotion and gratitude. And I want to be there right in the thick of what people call horror and still be able to say: life is beautiful. Yes I lie here in a corner, parched and dizzy and feverish and unable to do a thing. Yet I am also with the jasmine and the piece of sky beyond my window. For once you have begun to walk with God, you need only keep on walking with God and all of life becomes one long stroll-- a marvelous feeling."

Control issues.

-I am still missing a drawer in my kitchen

-My closet light doesn't/hasn't ever work

-Maintenance hates me.

-My internet stopped working and I had to call and get my unit replaced

-My financial aid took 2 months to go through

-I had to change apartments 2 days before I moved in because my apartment wasn't ready forcing me to call my cable/internet, bank & electric company to change my address last minute

-Walmart charged me twice for one big purchase and couldn't fix it for a month

-The dog situation has gone way down hill

-My oven is about 100 degrees hotter then what it is suppose to be

-My smoke alarm goes off weekly

-My freezer doesn't work and I didn't know until I spent $30 on frozen foods just for them to go bad

-I still have yet to receive all my text books

-I bought the wrong textbooks off craigslist because of false advertisement

-My hot water only works for 15 minutes

-I got ripped off by ebay trying to buy movies

Honestly the list could go on.

I was driving home the other day thinking about if moving to Denton was the right thing for me to do, I mean all this stuff keeps happening. Once one crisis is adverted another one bigger and harder comes to light. After praying about this I came to realize that I had lost complete control of my life, but seconds later I realized that I never had control of my life. Sure when I decided to move to Denton I had everything going for me and everything thing was falling into place but to think I had control was a misconception being fed by Satan.

I guess I like being in control, maybe that's my fatal flaw, maybe this whole experience moving to Denton was to teach me that I'm never in control. I loved Arkansas, but God picked me up and said no. After dealing with that I tried to make plans for Denton and God changed every single one of them. Every plan. To where I ended up in a studio apartment across from a county jail with a broken oven and freezer.

I like it this way. (No sarcasm) I like being constantly reminded that God is in control of my life. These little mishaps that keep coming up are wonderfully showing me His greatness. I've come to love not being in control. It's so much less stressful and I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. What's funny is I was the one putting all the weight on my shoulders to begin with. God never expected me to try and control my life, my parents never expected me to carry the weight of our family and my friends didn't expect me to control the outcome of our friendship. I am so thankful that I've never been in control, with my track record who knows where I'd be, but thanks to God's grace I've ended up alright. I'm still alive, well physically. I'm not in jail, I'm following Jesus and I have a personal relationship with Christ.

I feel a cheesy Carrie Underwood song coming to mind...

7:01 PM

I wrote this blog about an hour ago maybe more, maybe less. After feeling satisfied I sat down to read some more of Prayer by Yancy to keep up my chapter a day only to find this statement about humility:

"Most of what I am -- my nationality and mother tongue, my race, my looks and body shape, my intelligence, the century in which I was born, the fact that I am still alive and relatively healthy --I had little or no control over. On a larger scale, I cannot affect the rotation of planet earth, or the orbit that maintains a proper distance from the sun so that we neither freeze nor roast, or the gravitational forces that somehow keep our spinning galaxy in exquisite balance. There is a God and I am not it. "

God has the best sense of humor and He is so Good.

JRZ

MaryKate&Ashley

I miss you so much.
The day I found out you were gone will always feel recent. I can tell you every detail about that day from the moment I woke up at Jaz's house to the moment I slowly drifted to sleep. Everyone came over so we could be together. Even Juan, and you know how that friendship was. Of course we are much better friends now. I remember laying on the floor of my room without enough energy to get up. Someone would ask me how I was and the only emotion I could register was sadness. The constant calls and text messages from people I hadn't talked to in years. June 8th was my worst day. But I made it, and although God has strengthened my heart, He hasn't erased our memories.

I don't question His plan. He is so much bigger then I am, and I know that God is Good. He put you in my life for so many reasons.

I love you twin.