I don't like blogs about problems. Even more- I don't like writing them. That being said please excuse
So I have ended my day today with a general theme of how I feel about living in Denton right now. Bitter probably isn't the best word...maybe a little bit of bitterness mixed with confusion mixed with a patience-problem. Boiling it down it all comes out to a big "Are You Kidding me God?"
I don't want this to sound depressing at all so get that thought out of your head because I am not at all depressed...or pissed, just confused. Back on track- I have no friends in Denton. Not one true friend that I hang out with and call and live life with. A few people go to UNT that I went to high school with, there are a few people I have classes with that I talk to..during class (and of course if heaven forbid someone were to get some crazy illness and need me to take notes for them) and then one or two that I have hung out with once and then fallen off the radar. I have been racking my brain on how I made friends in Arkansas because I didn't go there with a bunch of friends yet when I left I had so many good ones. So what is going on?
I think the Lord is calling me to a season of isolation. I say that only because I have definitely tried to make friends. I go to the same church every week and sit by myself, I even got baptized at the church! (Not to make friends of course but because of my love for Jesus!) I tried to join a home group but they are all full. There aren't enough leaders to lead more home groups so I'm kind of out of luck with that avenue. I have applied to 7 jobs and no one has called me back. Today was my most desperate attempt to make friends. I went to the crime alert meeting at my apartment complex. I was the only one that attended...out of over 300+ residents. After that I went to a different church's College group (The church I currently go to doesn't have a college group) where I sat by myself and met no one. Obvi I could have gone up to a random person and introduced myself but it seemed like EVERYONE was in a group with 2 or 3 other people and were in deep conversation.
I'm not going to lie, I came home very frustrated. Not at the church I went to or the residents in my complex but at God. Why would You call me to a place 300 miles away from my friends and then not deliver? What is the point of being here? I mean I have my ministry in Frisco with Young Life and I absolutely love it. I love my girls, I love the leaders I love the deliverance of the Gospel. I love that. But why Denton? Why UNT? I take the bus every day and every day there are new faces. I go to the same classes where everyone seems to know everyone and I end up just hanging out alone. I even met some of the Young Life leaders here (because I thought we'd have so much in common) but they never remember me when I see them around town. I go to church every week and I am recognized by no one. Why? Again, I am not mad, just confused. I enjoy the time I have to myself. I never sit at home and wish I had friends in Denton to come over and hang out with because I'm usually pretty busy with reading or homework. I do sit at home and wish I had community and fellowship in Denton. What I really long for is a house to live in with a couple of Jesus loving girls in this beautiful city.
And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified. Romans 8:28-30
Therefore do not throw away your confidence, which has a great reward. For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God you may receive what is promised. Hebrews 10:35-36Mmmmm Good one God. Plus 5
I love it. I am ok with not having friends right now because it is building up my relationship with Christ and when I have a problem instead of calling up the first friend I can think of, I call up the only Friend that can honestly say loves me unconditionally and always has my best at heart. I am constantly on my own and being pointed to scripture by the Holy Spirit and it is awesome. Would I choose this isolated life over one filled with friends? Probably not but I'm glad that it has made a nice little(hopefully) appearance.
It has forced me to look back on all the times I was at an event with tons of my friends and saw someone sitting by themselves. It gave them a personality in my mind. I know I was overlooked by tons of people tonight, not even thought about by most. I know that I am someone they will probably never think about again and that it didn't even register that I have a story and a future. So many times I convince myself I am different and unique but in their minds I am just a body occupying space. I know this because I have done that. Non-consciously thought that about countless of people. Now that I know how it feels to be outside of the crowd I want to be on the inside so I can put this knowledge to good use. Other people that have felt the way I felt tonight, I know it.
Another Good one God for tonight. Plus 7
If you get a chance, please pray for endurance for me. And please let me know in a comment or a facebook message or even an email if there is anything I can be praying for you about.
Love you, mean it.
No comments:
Post a Comment