JRZ

MaryKate&Ashley

I miss you so much.
The day I found out you were gone will always feel recent. I can tell you every detail about that day from the moment I woke up at Jaz's house to the moment I slowly drifted to sleep. Everyone came over so we could be together. Even Juan, and you know how that friendship was. Of course we are much better friends now. I remember laying on the floor of my room without enough energy to get up. Someone would ask me how I was and the only emotion I could register was sadness. The constant calls and text messages from people I hadn't talked to in years. June 8th was my worst day. But I made it, and although God has strengthened my heart, He hasn't erased our memories.

I don't question His plan. He is so much bigger then I am, and I know that God is Good. He put you in my life for so many reasons.

I love you twin.

Home.

Mark David Chapman

Recently I watched the movie Chapter 27. If you aren't familiar with it, it's about Mark David Chapman killing The Beatles, John Lennon. While watching it all seemed very dark to me, a lot of the shots were in a dark hotel room or at night so it physically was dark but more then that Mark David Chapman seems so obsessed with John Lennon that it's sick and to me it seems like he just put his brain in a bunch of acid. During the movie he reads and rereads The Catcher in the Rye, because he believes he and main character, Holden Caulfield, are one and that Holden is pushing him towards murdering Lennon. Jared Leto (the actor for Mark David Chapman) does an incredible job at portraying him, because I really felt the darkness that surrounded Chapman. When he found out that John Lennon's apartment was a part of some of the production of movie Rosemary's Baby, Chapman started talking about Satan, with almost a slight grin. I'm not sure if that is what really happened, but I assume that he did have some sort of fascination with the devil. At the end of the movie they showed some real footage of news reports after the murder, and then talked a little bit about what Chapman was doing now. First of all, I thought he had to have died by now with all the Lennon fans so upset, I figured we had a repeat of Lee Harvy Oswald/John F. Kennedy but no, Mark David Chapman is currently in a New York prison. Second, I thought that he would be in a mental hospital because he obviously has some issues upstairs if he thought that a fictional character from The Catcher in the Rye was talking to him and convincing him to shoot John. Third I thought he has got to be either worshiping Satan or in his own little world but again I was wrong. He is a Christian.

I actually paused the movie and reread that a few times because I was a little shocked. I know people can change, heck I changed a lot from just a few years ago and I do realize that a lot of people in prison or in jail find Jesus and change their life but this whole movie revolved around how dark he was and I finally saw this light. This guy has hope. Can you imagine killing THE John Lennon? Especially if he was your idol. Right now, the person you admire most. Obviously I wasn't alive when this happened but, to me this would have been a much bigger deal then Michael's death (RIP MJ, love you) even thought I loved him a lot. Regardless this guy has been forgiven. According to Yoko Ono (Lennon's widow) the pope even came and forgave Chapman in person! After doing some research I saw that not only has Mark David Chapman come out and said he is a born-again Christian, he is really living like one. He has been wonderful while in prison, in all the interviews I have read he talks about the Lord and has been through the bible quite a few times.

He has asked for parole, but been denied 5 times. I think he can ask again this August so we'll see what happenes. Yoko Ono believes that if he is let out he will be killed by a Beatles fan, and I'm sure that has a lot to do with why. As for me, I think that it's crazy that when I sit down and read my bible I am reading the same thing that Mark David Chapman read. The thing that saved his soul. When I pray, I am talking to the same God that Chapman fought with and ended up helplessly in His arms.

I really believe that Chapman is going to heaven. Obviously I'm not Jesus so I couldn't tell you for sure, but I'm looking forward to being with him after life.

While watching this movie, Chapter 27, I was somewhat bored. I mean I'd heard it all before. I figured I'd watch it once and then forget about it but those 6 words at the very end of the movie, "He is a born-again Christian" changed everything for me, it got me really thinking. If Jesus can forgive Chap If Chapman can accept that Jesus forgave him, and move on with his life why can't we? Sometimes when I do something terrible it eats me up inside for weeks. I'll acknowledge that Jesus has forgiven me but I still let it get to me, I still let Satan have a foothold on my life.

Goal for the rest of my life;

When I do something wrong-

Step 1: Ask Jesus to forgive me

Step 2: Accept that He has forgiven me because He is the bomb

Step 3: Forgive myself and move on, learning and not forgetting (avoiding making the same mistake twice).

Hello Real Life!

I have moved!!! I am now a resident of Denton, Tx and the official owner (well, renter) of my very first apartment! Last Saturday, with GREAT help, I made the BIG move from Melissa, Tx to Denton. I know 4 people that live here (including my leasing agent, so I'm not sure if she counts). This will be a mighty adventure. God has definitely brought me to this and He's been planning it from what I can physically see for 2 years. I worked at a YoungLife camp 2 summers ago where I met Cody Strange, then re-met him this past summer while working at a different summer camp 700 miles away. Ended up getting invited by Cody to take girls to camp later that summer, fell in love with the girls and made some great friends. Went back to Arkansas for school and realized how much I didn't love it there (with the help of Cody reminding me I had a YoungLife family here that loved me...pretty much daily) I knew that God was calling me to a different place. If I wouldn't have been in Arkansas in the first place I wouldn't have applied to go to SharpTop (where I saw Cody for the 2nd summer in a row) and I wouldn't have taken girls to camp and who knows where I'd be. So in conclusion Arkansas had to happen, and through everything God has really opened up my eyes. I was offered an apartment with a good friend of mine that I would have loved, but I didn't feel like God was on bored. After many late night phone calls with numerous friends and a lot of prayer I realized that God was definitely calling me to live by myself and finally grow up which brings me here. To a 450 square foot studio apartment. For now (hopefully) it's just me myself and I. I am hoping for a dog soon but it's taken a lot to convince the parental units. It's been pretty back and forth and I can see it going either way. On one side, I am living by myself and would really like someone (even if it is a dog!) here to be with me and alert me if I'm not alone. On the other hand a dog (the ones I'm looking at) live for about 15 years and that would be an issue if I ever wanted to study abroad or travel. If I eventually developed roommates I could have them fall in love with the little sucker, and then ask them to watch the dog for a few months (of course I'd pay for the food...don't think I'm going to leave them high and dry!!) while I'm away or if I just don't get a dog I can save money. I really would love one so we'll see. Keep the prayers going!! Let's see. I got internet and cable on Monday, and will start school the next Tuesday! Everything is happening so fast. Crazy. It's so crazy how God moves in peoples lives. My heart has completely shifted, when Cody first told me I should move home I thought he was crazy. I just prayed about it because I felt obligated too and it was usually the last thing I prayed about for about a second. I thought it was silly and never going to happen but God just put this detour in my life and with a little teeth pulling I'm finally here. To be honest I have always moved, from elementary school I was suppose to go to West but went to Apollo. From Apollo Jr. High I was suppose to go to Berkner and I went to Richardson, then moved in the middle of Sophomore year, stayed in Melissa for a year and then moved back to Richardson for my Senior year. I just wanted to stay in one place for college and graduate from a school I'd started at for the first time in my life and when I realized I needed to go back to Texas I was not happy about having to change. Then while apartment hunting I laughed at the idea of living alone, once again God uprooted my life. Love it. I'm happy to be following God's will and think this season of me + God is going to be incredible. There will be distractions but not nearly as many as usually. I am finally being forced to grow up, to cook and clean on my own, will it be tough? Heck yes. Will it be worth it? Definitely. This will literally just be me. and God. Cool. He has really taken everything out of my life that could get in the way, and therefore I know He is up to something, so I look forward to seeing how this all turns out. In about a month I will be completely done reading the bible and that is pretty exciting (Probably in the next 2 weeks) my goal is to be done before school starts, but that's about 3 hours of reading a day. Once I am done I will get a few of the books I've been putting off out of the way and then it's back to Genesis 1:1 in ESV. Or maybe Matthew 1:1. The old testament wasn't the easiest thing to read and I might new a small break from it for a little while. Not that it wasn't great. I learned a lot. I just think I should focus more on when Jesus was on earth, because He is the bomb. Fun times.

In the past 4 days I've really felt like this is where I belong. This is a feeling I wanted to have when I was in Arkansas but I know I convinced myself I did belong because of circumstances. Sure, I miss Arkansas a bunch already, the school spirit (although orientation today had a lot of unwanted school spirit at 8 am) the beautiful campus, the trees, etc. but when I drive through Denton or today when I walked around on campus I felt like this is where I am suppose to be and God has definitely honored my willingness to pick up and go at the drop of a hat by giving me security here. When I walked into my apartment for the first time, all my boxes were on their way to Denton thanks to my lovely neighbor, sister and mother, all I had was my purse, my contract and my key and I knew it. That very second I knew I had picked the right place. Sure one of my kitchen drawers was missing and if you stand on my porch you can see the county jail but this place was the perfect size, the perfect price, and God called me here.

Please continue to pray for me during this crazy transition, and let me know if you have anything I should be praying for you about. Prayer is so great because I get to call up my Best Friend and ask for advice from the One who knows all the answers, so it would be my privilege to pray for you...just another excuse to talk to my Dad.

Picture of my apartment will be up asap! Once I get all my furniture and everything done I'll be sure and let everyone know!

Love.

"I just don't desire to be your friend."

Disclaimer: I did not write this to offend anyone. Just saw an opportunity to learn from God and used it.

Recently a friend of mine said those 8 heart piercing words to me. It was painful. I really considered this person close and valued the friendship we shared. Don't get me wrong, or attempt to "read between the lines" this is not a blog bashing that person, this person isn't evil or rude, they are actually pretty neat and I am fully aware this is a desire that God put in their heart. At first I must admit that I was really upset. Tears were involved and I was very very angry. I originally thought this person was being selfish, and intentionally hurtful. It was only after a month of simmering in the situation that I realized the bigger (much bigger) picture.

How many times has someone have I gotten close to God just to pull away like my friend did? For example, Junior year of high school: I just got back from YoungLife camp and was thinking about doing WorkCrew (where you actually get to work at a camp for a month). I started a book required for the training process called Becoming More Like Jesus, and I really was. Well to an extent. I was going so deep and really getting a great grasp for who Jesus was and what He did...on a very basic level. I was humble (well as humble as a 16 year old girl can be), loved putting friends before myself and memorizing scripture was a highlight of my day. Jesus was changing my life and I loved it. I was getting so close to God, spending so much time with him. I'd bring my bible to school and read it every (and I mean EVERY) chance I'd get. I wasn't afraid to pull out my bible with random people in fear of offending them. I had such a childlike faith (something I yearn for today). God was my best friend. I talked to Him all the time, honestly and held nothing back. From the looks of things, everything was going great. Then I dropped a bomb. (Here is where my story about my friend, and the story about my Junior year differ) My friends back home weren't too excited about the whole God thing so after a few months of going steady, I ended things. It wasn't like a legit break up or anything I mean I still saw Him on the side, just not when my friend were around. And every time He called out to me I asked Him to hold on, but when I needed Him, I needed Him right then and there. Finally I said those 8 words. Well, plus a few. "God, I just don't desire to be your friend. Not right now at least" I saw that having fun with my friends was easier then hanging out with God because I got immediate responses, and "the now factor" was in full force. I said "see Ya later God" for quite a while. While I didn't stop going to church or YoungLife, I stopped really caring about God and having an intimate relationship with Him.

Back to my friend from before, after everything went down I couldn't believe someone could really say that to another person, let alone someone I really thought I knew, but I realized that I've said it to God a numerous amount of times. (Most) every time I get a new boyfriend it's Sayonara. Or if school gets too hard too handle, Adios! Not to say that God didn't know it was going to happen or that I got His hopes up (because He definitely created me and He of all people know how I am), but I think He did get His hopes up. How many times have you seen Moulin Rouge and rooted for the guy and the girl to be together knowing the ending? Or Titanic, you wanted so badly for Rose and Jack to make it to the mainland, even though you've seen in a million times and know Jack dies. I think that's how it was for God. He knew the ending, well that current situation's ending, but I firmly believe He was rooting for me. He wanted me to pick Him but I didn't. Now I don't want to confuse you, I'm not saying that I'm not going to end up picking Him every time, because I pray all the time that I will, and that ending I feel pretty secure about.

How about you, though? How many times have you told God you didn't desire to be His friend? That getting drunk was too much fun and you didn't have time right now. Or when God puts a mission in your life and you choose to ignore it. Believe me, moving 300 miles away from your home because God is telling you too is not easy. And this may seem like a simple lesson, this blog, but it took me a while to learn and I don't intend on forgetting it. After talking everything out with God the expression "if it were a snake it would have bit me" comes directly to me. I wish I would have learned this when I was a Junior. I've wasted so much time building up this great relationship with God just to have it smashed when I didn't desire to be His anymore. I wouldn't wish this fate upon anyone which brings me to my blog, although I'm sure its only read by few (if that), I want to send out this warning:

GOD is great. GOD created the universe (if you disagree, I'd really rather not argue with you; just read my current favorite book The Case for Christ, written by a nonbeliever [Lee Strobel]). HE is awesome. Don't put HIM on the back burner for anyone, or anything. HE is rooting for you. And most of all, HE desires to be your friend (as cliché as it sounds).

In ending I'd like to say once more, that this is not meant to be rude or hateful. I've just learned a valuable (very very valuable) lesson and feel God pushing me (He's been dropping hints EVERYWHERE!) to share it with you, personally.