lookin' back 2010

There's no getting around it, I copied joshlamm.wordpress.com.

It's been a while since I've spent some time on my blog but I thought a new years blog might be a nice way to get back into the habit!

Great things that happened in 2010:
-Got Baptized!
-My sister got married to her boyfriend of 13 years!
-Met some great people at Summer Staff
-Started my Social Work Major course plan
-Made some wonderful friends in Denton
-Finished reading the bible!
-Rangers went to the world series/Going to the world series

Challenges in 2010:
- The death of my Cousin, Jess
- Moved to a city without knowing a soul
-Continuing to miss my bestfriend, Joey.

Things I'm looking forward to in 2011:
-Australia/Studying Abroad!
-Everything God is doing in my life
-Moving in with great friends in Denton

This list is far from being done and will be updated often.

Psalm 51:9-12

Hide Your face from my sins,

   and blot out all my iniquities.

Create in me a clean heart, O God,

   and renew a right spirit within me.

Cast me not away from your presence,

   and take not your Holy Spirit from me.

Restore to me the joy of your salvation,

   and uphold me with a willing spirit. 

Changes.

I feel as if my heart is changing as are the leaves with the season.

Except this change is different. This change, within myself, is different from before. This isn't a temporary change.

My life is settling down. I'm finding out who I am and falling into place with who I will be for the rest of my life.

I'd say I'm 'lucky' but I know it boils down to more then luck. According to my calendar I'd say the Holy Spirit came just in time, but I know that according to the Lord's calendar he came not a minute too early, not a minute too late.

It's interesting how a certain kind of love can change your life forever. Like the love my friends didn't show me when I stood up against the path we were heading down. Or the love that strangers rushed to wrap me in, not because of my own merit but because of a love they had been shown.

Sometimes the encouragement I feel is overwhelming, but when that encouragement is gone and all I feel is loneliness the silence is deafening.

If you know anything about me, you probably know I am in love with a man named David. You see, I've loved David for a long time because of his consistent love for God, despite what people said and most of all despite of what he did. David wasn't the greatest man to walk the earth he wasn't even close to perfect. He messed up. A lot. But for years I always said I would marry David, knowing everything I know about him, if it was possible. But think I've found the underlining reason, that drives my love for David and to say the least I was shocked. It's not his manliness or his persistence. I loved David because I am just like him.

I mess up. I lack encouragement. I lack joy. I have days of sorrow. I yearn for mercy.

Psalm 51:9-12 is a clip from David's response to God after he was confronted by a prophet calling him out for cheating on his wife, impregnating a married women, killing her husband and frankly letting his nation down. The verses says, "Hide your face from my sins, and blot out all my iniquities. Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not away from your presence, and take not your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit."

Australia

This is a topic I may have talked about before but after spending some good quality time with Jesus I feel like it deserves it's very own blog post.

As many of you know (since only 3 people read this...hi mom!) I have applied to study a semester in Australia. I've been praying about this trip for over a year and this past summer decided the Lord was giving me the go ahead leading up to a 4 month long application process. After finishing the online application, getting a passport, filling out flight information, housing information, medical information, background information, emergency contact information, signing agreement and release forms, picking my classes, writing a personal essay, getting an academic reference and mailing 5 2x2 photos of myself (2x2 photos are harder to get then they seem!) I have been in a 3 week long season of waiting. I recently found out that the 15 hours I took last semester at the good 'ole UNT weren't good enough so 1.5 weeks after finishing my entire application I was told that I needed to write another essay on academic excellence and get a different academic reference to fill out a form and write a letter of recommendation. Needless to say, a lot of paperwork and time have been involved.

The first week I was nervous. I thought about my acceptance (or nonacceptance) pretty much every minute of every day. If I wasn't in class or had a free moment to check my phone I was checking my application status and email to look for an update or a change. Nothing happened.

The second week I made a deal with myself that every time I thought about Studying Abroad or my application I'd pray for a different Young Life kid, since it was clearly becoming a huge idol in my life. It worked very well and I stopped thinking about studying abroad and started thinking more about the ministry I'd committed to and the kids I care so deeply about.

The third week I have become very content. Honestly at this point I know that either way it goes that the Lord has accomplished what I set out to do. Even before I started praying about studying abroad I started praying about having a richer and more childlike faith. I've been praying for a better prayer life. And most of all I've been praying for patience. Through this entire experience every single one of those prayers has been answered.

The Lord put this incredible desire in my heart to study abroad on July 23rd, 2009, and I have prayed almost every single day since then. I didn't desire to study abroad thinking that it would change my relationship with Jesus but because of that desire it drove me into prayer. Daily prayer. Something I had wanted but never been able to accomplish.

I have been forced to wait. I always talk about how I am the "exception" to almost every rule. How a coke machine could work for every single person but the one time I put my money in it doesn't work. This applies to almost every aspect of my life and I've learned to deal with it. Being the one person that's application was put on hold didn't surprise me. Most people hear back from their study abroad advisor within 48 hours, but my application has been completed for 3 weeks. I've been forced to be patience and through that patience I've learned to enjoy the little things. I've learned how much it doesn't matter if I go study abroad or stay in the states. Life goes by quickly, but the Lord stays the same. Waiting has become sweet because I know that in the end, no matter what happens to me the Lord is there and there is more to learn and even more to do.

There is something about having faith that is so sweet. I've come to a point where I've been able to take a step back and look at the situation. I've been given options for every outcome possible and am content with whatever God has in store for me. I know I have purpose either way it goes. Does that mean I don't desire to study abroad or I wont be upset about not getting into the program? Absolutely not! But I know either way the cookie crumbles that God will be glorified and my relationship with Christ will not be shaken, and the joy I find in that is so fulfilling.

Truly, either way the study abroad situation goes I am thankful. I have been given an incredible opportunity to learn what trusting the Lord and finding comfort in Him loos and feels like and if I was given the choice to do this all again, I would do it in a heart beat. That being said, if you get a chance or you think about it when your closing your prayers please do pray I find favor in the hearts of my advisors as they are making their last decision about allowing me to study abroad. Pray for God glory in my life through this situation, and pray I am comforted when the final decision is made.

I'll let you know an update as soon as I know. Thank yall for all your support and listening to me moan and grown for the past year and 1/2!

Update: I just received news that my application has been accepted! Praise the Lord!

Prayin' for all those rude people

Prayer. It's a part of our everyday lives...or it should be. Ok confession time, about this time last year I'd conceder myself on the way towards a strong, biblically sound faith. But was my prayer life coming along for the ride? Absolutely not. Sure, I'd pray at night before I went to sleep for a few minutes...when I remembered. During the day I'd try and pray for the people I saw walking to class, the younglife kids back in Frisco were a hot topic, my relationship and friendships were always touched on, etc. If you were to ask me if I had a solid prayer life I'd say definitely. Because at that point, I thought I did. I thought, "Hey, Jesus prayed so it ought to be pretty important right? I should set aside at least 10 minutes during the 1440 that I am given. Yea! That should do it!" Today, I look back on that and laugh.

It was November 27th that I started a journal on a misson. The misson was to go as long as possible without skipping one night of prayer. After 43 days in a row of prayer I missed one night. I will never forget the next morning, I had just moved into my apartment and with moving and building furniture (thanks ikea.) and getting settled I passed out before I got to spend good solid time with the Lord. It tormented me. Not just for a couple of minutes, but the entire day. After that I went 32 days of prayer and flaked out once again. This one hit me a little harder, and for a week I prayed about how upset I was. Eventually I got over it and started back up again until I finished my entire moleskine. I got the journal on October 17th, 2009 (a year from yesterday), didn't start really using it as a prayer journal until November 27th but filled all the pages by June 9th. A little over 6 months. I don't say any of this to brag, not at all! I say it to say in those 6 months my growth with God was tremendous. I am 90% sure without that solid prayer life my relationship with God would have disintegrated. During these 5 months I was moving 300 miles, and starting a new life with no friends and no social support system. There were days when I wanted to drop out, there were days I wanted to move back to Arkansas but when I had no one, The Lord was there. Listening to every word I thought up, enjoying the words that flowed from my pen. (Proverbs 15:8) And I was comforted. Did it happen immediately? No. Did it happen every time I felt alone? No. But it happened enough for me to realize that constant prayer changes things. "Sometimes when we pray it feels as if God has indeed nodded off. Raise your voice, Jesus' story implies (Luke 11). Strive on, like the shameless neighbor in the middle of the night. Keep pounding (on) the door." After reading that I realized I need to be shameless. I need to keep pounding at that door. Being comforted by Luke 11 was only the beginning.

I recently have finished a book on Prayer (only 10 months later! Thanks, college.) and the wisdom that I've come away with has changed not only my life but my heart. To say that I love people would be an understatement. I mean, I'm a social work major for cryin' out loud. I love to love people. And to hear their stories is one of my favorite things about what I get to do every day. I honestly go to class and feel like I'm cheating some kind of system by taking classes that will not only help a career but my life, my family and my friends. That being said, I can be pretty judgmental at times. A girl in my spanish class asks me if we have a test that day and I immediately think she is an idiot. Someone cuts me off when I'm in a hurry. I overhear a conversation about my favorite baseball team and the people talking don't know anything about any of the players...or baseball for that matter. The little things through my day that make me A) think I'm better then everyone else and B) give me a reason to make fun of them. I knew by judging them I was being hateful and even sinning at times, but I thought the cure was to just try and stop.

That may work for some people but as this problem was growing, my heart was getting sicker and sicker. Finally after a few slaps in the face I read this passage "I see intercession as an increase in my awareness. When I pray for another person, I am praying for God to open my eyes so that I can see that person as God does, and then enter into the stream of love that God already directs toward that person. Something happens when I pray for others in this way. Bringing them into God's presence changes my attitude toward them and ultimately affects our relationship. I pray for the neighbor who is always trying to sneak out of paying his share of neighborhood assessments and begin to see him not as a conniver but as a friendless man who lives with constant financial worries.". Why not pray? When I pray for these people that make me angry, the people that cut me off or ask stupid questions I'm giving them a face. I'm giving them a soul. When I see the girl in spanish I don't immediately think she is dumb, but I think about the last time I prayed for her and I wonder if those prayers have been answered. Is she a freshman worried about school and overwhelmed by her classes? How's she feeling now? Does she need tutoring or help of any kind? What can I do to help her life be easier? How can I show her Christ through my actions?

It's such an easy thing to do, but I never thought to do it. Not seriously at least.

How can we pray for someone we are angry with or don't like and walk away with a bitter taste? How is it possible to come before Our Lord, asking to see people as He sees them, and remain angry? 1 Corinthians 8:11 says "And so by your knowledge this weak person is destroyed, the brother for whom Christ died". Christ died for that person that cut me off. Christ died for that person that made a rude comment about my outfit. Christ died for the tax collectors, and the shammed.

"I pray for all the faces I have seen, and they become not just faces but fellow human beings who have fallen victim to evil on this planet. As I pray, their pain becomes mine, and I bring their plight before God."

(all quotes unless stated otherwise were from Philip Yancey's book "Prayer")

Happy Happy Birthday!

I know I said I wouldn't write any more sad post about Joey, but it's his birfday!

For your birthday this year I will put up an incredibly embarrassing picture of us before we went to homecoming one year.

You'd be 20 today! Meaning this 4 year old picture should be burned. Haha no, but really I love you and will be spending the day celebrating your life and how wonderful you were.

Anne said it best "How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard."

Blogging fail

I have been a total flake when it comes to blogging consistently. When I started this blog I originally wanted to blog 2 times a week! It's crazy that it's been months since my last real blog, but I guess I don't want to fake it. I don't want to write a blog when I feel like the Lord hasn't moved my heart because then this blog would be more about me and less about what the Lord has been teaching me. That being said, here goes a small life update.

If you saw my last blog you would have seen my sister getting married. Actually, in the particular picture my dad was giving her away, but you know what I mean. The wedding was last Saturday and the ceremony was beautiful, I was amazed at how my sister and Cheyne completely stayed true to their values. If anyone would have replicated their wedding it would have been tacky but because it was Stephanie & Cheyne, it was perfect. Hopefully you can't tell in any of the pictures taken, but the entire time I was on the verge of losing it because of all the joy in my heart. Simply beautiful.

Moving on, school has started! I love my Social Work classes. I hate my 3 hour blocks of class. No, but really, since my classes are scheduled for me and only offered at one time every SW class is once a week so I literally have class for 7 hours in a row on Tuesdays and then work. Not that I'm complaining because my classes are filled with hypothetical situations and mock cases which are a blast, but it is definitely draining.


The Lord continues to provide in my life. I think I am starting to realize I don't need a lot of friends to be happy. I think I just need a few friends I can call community, my family and the Lord. (Sorry to continue talking about this) Due to the wedding a lot of my family came in from out of town and I was constantly reminded how blessed I am to have such a huge and loving family. These people truly care about me and would be here in a minute if I needed help.

I have recently discovered my love for writing letters. Not facebook messages or emails, actual handwritten letters that you mail...with a stamp. That's all I am going to say about that for now.

That's all I want to blog about for now. Usually when I blog it sparks something inside that forces me to blog 3 more times in the next 24 hours and maybe I'll have something insightful to say. We'll see.

My Sister's Wedding

Angels.

At bible study tonight we talked about blogs and it reminded me of something I use to have...oh wait, no I still have one of these suckers. Autumn brought up an idea, what if everyone had a blog? I'd imagine it'd be a lot of complaining and whining (welcome to my blog), but whining aside it would remind everyone that those people you interact with every day- they have souls. They have thoughts. They have feelings. They have lives outside of you.

Let's take a look at the last 24 hours.
About this time last night I was in Walmart trying to find ink for my moms printer so I could print out my sisters bridal invitations and get them mailed before I went out of town. I walked into Walmart with a bad attitude and passed the greeter, wait why is he still here? Does he work every night at midnight? Why doesn't he get to greet people in the day time? He seemed nice. Does he have multiple jobs and this is just his second or third one of the day? What would his blog say? Soul. Now I'm practically sprint-walking to the electronic section because it's been a long day, too long. Woops, since I was walking too fast I almost ran into a night time shopper coming out of the spice isle with his cart. Soul. What was he doing out so late? Was everything ok at home? Does he have a wife and kids back home and couldn't sleep? Or maybe this is when he did his shopping to avoid all the chaos during the day? He seemed nice as well, he apologized for almost running into me even though I knew it was my fault and I took his apology and wished him a nice night. Finally hanging the sharp left towards the electronics. Passed the shoe section and saw a worker stocking the shoe department. Wait, now that I think about it there were tons of workers stocking the food isles that I over looked. Do they restock every night? It seems as if every night I come to Walmart they are restocking. Why were they working the late shift? What would their blogs say? Are they content with Jesus? Is this job a ministry opportunity? Or are they looking for something more? Are they the type of people that just go to work and go home without any social interaction? Soul, Soul, Soul. Ahhh the electronic section! Of course I walked down every single isle until I found myself at the end of the electronic section where they keep the printer ink. They only have 4 ink options! Wait, I think I saw a women stocking some products by the electronic help desk. Again, what is she doing working so late? I usually praise Sam Walton for 24 hour Walmart's but I never thought about the people working? These people aren't on a very good sleep schedule. Maybe they can't sleep, and they want something to do. Maybe this job is a blessing not a curse. Soul. Found more ink for printers. Of course they don't have the ink I need. I'll go ask that women working, she doesn't look too overwhelmed. Who am I kidding? She has at least 15 unopened boxes and looks as tired as I feel. I ask anyways, she has no clue but opts to opening a box of random printer stuff and dumps it on the floor to sift through. That's not going to be fun to pick up and put away. A man and a women walk up in their pajamas and ask about censoring in movies, the worker doesn't know. 2 Souls. What were they doing? Do they realize it's already midnight and they want to buy a movie and watch it now? Why am I so tired? They don't look tired. What would their blog say? Do they love each other? They are obviously dating. Maybe their married? The worker continues to look through the pile of random printer stuff for my ink. A women and 3 kids walk up to the worker. 4 Souls. Wait, does SHE know what time it is? Why does she have those kids out at midnight! She tries to control them  but she looks too stressed to care at this point. She proceeds to ask the worker, I wish I looked at her name, if they carry a charger for her phone. Apparently her husband came back from IRAQ today and her phone died and she cant call him and the other Walmart didn't carry her phone's charger and she's been driving around trying to find one. The worker turns to me and tells me they don't have the ink for my printer. Are you kidding?! All that for nothing. I guess I'll find a different Walmart. I ask the worker where the closest Walmart is and she doesn't know. The women with the 3 kids tells me the closest 4 Walmart's are. She was a big help. I feel bad for getting annoyed when she interrupted me earlier. Now I really fly down the isles on the way to my car. Finally out of the walmart, and on the phone trying to call the one 5 miles away. A women answers and has no idea what an "Epson Printer" is and tells me they don't have ink for it. What was she doing working late? Where was her office? She answered pretty quickly and knew what kind of ink they had without hesitating. Was that her job? To just answer phones? Soul. On to the next Walmart. In fear of them rejecting me I opted not to call and thought I'd just wing it. This one was 6 miles away but it'd be ok because it was already 12:45. Walk past the greeter, again another nice man. Soul. What were all these nice men doing out so late? What did they want to be when they grew up? Is being a Walmart greeter their hopes and dreams? Running to the back of the store this Walmart seems unoccupied. Electronic section. My ink! They have it! On to the check out lane. There is a man infront of me in line, but I'm too keen on figuring out if I want the kit-kat or just a hersheys chocolate bar. I pick the kit-kat. It's my turn to pay. A man puts his stuff behind mine but doesn't put a divider. He was with a girl, they were older. What were they doing out late buying planters soil? Weird. The cahier was quite. I wonder what his plans were for after work. Not in a weird way, just I wonder what his life consists of. He was nice. The night is complete! Hardly. I make my way back to Melissa to print out the invitations. I pass a few cars but not too many. Souls, Souls, Souls. Finally get back to Melissa and work until 6:30 with my mom on the invites and get them done just in time for her to leave for work. What a great mom. Quick nap and on the road again to Denton. A nap should be in my near future but I needed to get the invites out or staying up all night to finish them would be pointless. Stop by the post office. I stayed at the front door an extra 15 seconds to hold the door for a random man. He was so grateful. Soul. On my way to the back I run into Adam, one of my 3 friends that hang out around Denton. We talk for about 30 minutes. I really am grateful for him and Autumn in my life. At least 20 people pass us. 20 Souls. It's the time I've been dreading, waiting in the Post Office line. I dislike this post office the most because it sometimes takes an hour just in line. I walk inside and they have 4 workers. They've never had that many people working the front before. There are 6 people in front of me. One older women with a lot of makeup smiles at me. I smile back. Soul. It only takes 15 minutes to purchase my stamps. Success. I wonder how long theses postal workers have been here. Everyone hates the post office, so I know they get a hard time pretty much all day. They must be tired. They must be passionate about being a postal worker for still working here. What would their blog say? The man that helps me was so nice. He has always been my favorite and the one that I secretly hope to get every time I have to go in. I put the stamps on my invites and sense someone looking at me. I look up. Bingo. A man looked interested in what I was doing but I was too tired to care. Soul. Dump the invites into the mail slot and head out to my car. Start the car. Finally pull into my apartment complex and stop to pay my rent. Melissa was working and she is my favorite worker so I felt safe giving her my rent check. What could be keeping her at these crappy apartments? She is such a mother figure it makes me feel a lot better about not knowing anyone in this town. Soul. Get back in my car and drive to my apartment. Unload my car and crash on the couch for a few minutes. Check the TV to see if Boy Meets World recorded. TV doesn't work. Internet doesn't work. Call Verizon. On hold for 30 minutes and finally connect to an actual human. He was nice. I wonder wehre he lives. Did my call stay in America? Soul. The line cuts out. I call back and wait on hold for 15 minutes. Someone answers only long enough to say hello before I accidentally end the call. Soul. Call for the 3rd time only to get a call on the other line from the first man that I talked too. Thankful. He sets up a mechanic to come out but he wont be here until tomorrow. Finish up the conversation and end the call. Call Crossroads where I got a speeding ticket. A young sounding women answers and tells me that my ticket wont be in the system until next week. I'm going out of town on Monday. This is not good. Was she being lazy and not processing it or were the computers really slow. It's a small town, it's no Dallas. Soul. Hang up the phone. Bible Study. Soul, Soul, Soul. Pull some wires and fix my internet. Type blog.

Let brotherly love continue. Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for thereby some have entertained angels unawares. Hebrews 13:1-2 These people have souls. These people could be on the verge of finding Jesus. They could already have a great foundation. We would never know if we didn't care. They could be angels, for all we know.

When I started this blog, I thought it would be quick. I didn't realize how many people I'd actually interacted with in 24 hours. How many people have you seen in the last 24 hours? How many souls did you over look?

Prayer; God; Fellowship

This week has been rough. But the way my friends have truly cared for me has helped my heart in more ways then words can describe.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4 "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God."

Hebrews 13:3 "Remember those who are in prison, as though in prison with them, and those who are mistreated, since you also are in the body. "

Romans 12:15 "Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep."

The bible calls us to help others, and to see the bible played out in my own life has been a positive thing

How To Save A Life

As I type up this blog my cousin is dying. He doesn't have much time left because there is a bunch of crap going on with his liver. That is obviously not the technical term for it but it would make no difference to me if someone really explained what was going down because that won't change the facts.

Another one of my cousins, his brother, has quit drinking alcohol and has been preparing to give Jess a part of his liver in order to save his life. It's really an incredible thing Jay Michael is doing, changing his life to save the life of his brother. Watching what he eats and everything he does. ("This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends." John 15:12-13) The transplant was suppose to go down early July but Jess got really sick and his white blood cells couldn't handle the transplant so they postponed it. Things have really taken a turn for the worst and it looks like just part of Jay Michael's liver wont be enough. There is one way Jess can survive, and that is to receive an entire liver from an organ donor.

I don't like this situation. Not only because my family is being hurt, but because this happens every day. People die. Sometimes people die quickly and there is nothing anyone can do about it. Sometimes people get sick and die slowly, and there is something to be said about that. I wonder if every person became an organ donor how many lives would be saved. I know people are going to die, so why not try and save other people's lives after you are done with yours?

There are tons of myths that go along with becoming an organ donor, for example: if you are an organ donor the doctors wont try as hard to save your life because they can use your body to help tons of people. False. Or how about you can't have an open casket because the doctors are going to destroy your  body. Also not true. (doctors) (open casket)

Becoming an organ donor is so easy. The process is different state by state but this website is very helpful http://organdonor.gov/donor/index.htm you should check it out.

Romans 8:28 says, "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." God continues to be good. I know that if Jess passes away tomorrow that God remains the same. That God is good and that in the end, this is good. I have been an organ donor since my 18th birthday, but this has truly opened my eyes to how important it really is. Do you want to change the world? If you already love Jesus and know you are going to spend forever with Him, why not give someone a second chance to get to know Him?

Be an organ donor, save a life.


Update
"For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38
Jess passed away on July 21st, 2010 around 4:30 am. 

I want a husband

It sounds funny actually saying that, because I don't.

I am twenty years old, I have tons of life ahead of me. Tons.

If everything falls into place, in 7 months I will be on my way to Australia.

I have 2 years of school left.

I'm pretty much busy 24/7.

I don't have time for a husband or a boyfriend for that matter, and even if I did I would be crazy to start a relationship before I left for Australia. How could I enjoy studying abroad if my heart was in America? I have been praying so hard against meeting someone interesting before I leave because I don't want to be distracted. I also have been praying hard against meeting anyone in Australia because I know in the heat of the moment I'll convince myself it will work out when in reality, it wont.

That being said, while I was in high school I'd go from guy to guy. Sometimes I wouldn't take my foot off one guy unless I had a firm footing on another guy. This has been going on since I started dating, in 7th grade so this dating method has really been drilled into me. I think the longest I went being truly single was 3 months. In April 2009 I made a pact to stay single for a year, I broke that pact in August for a short 4 month relationship. It has been 7 months since I've been in a relationship and although, it's been hard, it's been so good. With this study abroad trip planned, if all goes as planned I will be single for a total of 20 months.

I tell you all of that to say frankly, this is an area where I am weak. And because I am weak the Devil likes to use everything in his power to get me to cave. More recently then not, I've noticed more and more friends getting married, along with more of my friends getting serious with their boyfriends. Every tv show is filled with reminders, and just a walk in the grocery store is a sad hint of my relationship status. I find myself thinking I could easily go back to my old way of life, dating just to date and not dating to glorify Jesus. I know that sounds a little intense, but these last 7 months that I've had to think, and even before that I'd realized how important living for Christ is.

I truly want to get married for 3 main reasons.

One, To understand how much Christ loved the Church.

Two, To grow in my relationship with Christ through encouragement from someone who loves me and watch someone I love grow closer to Someone I love even more.

Three, To hang out with my best friend 24/7

Obviously there are other reasons as well, but those are the main ones. All the other things that come along with marriage I could honestly do without as long as I had those 3. But the extra perks are nice.

I want my relationship to be centered around the advancement of Christ. I also don't want to date anyone just because they are a Christian.

I know the Lord is preparing my heart. I know the Lord is building me up by forcing me to be patient. I know the Lord is faithful.

Even if I were to die tomorrow, or live until I was 102 without ever getting married I know the Lord has some great plans for me. If I am not meant to get married, I know that the Lord has better plans for me. Through all of this I have constantly kept in mind 1 Corinthians 7 and Pauls thoughts on the single life.

God is so fulfilling. He truly is. I don't need a husband to be complete. All I need is the Lord and I'm set for life.

Isaiah 54:5 says "For your Maker is your husband, the Lord of hosts is His name; and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer, the God of the whole earth He is called."

A Perfect Noise for a Perfect Creator

God has placed two wonderful souls in my life. My only two friends in Denton, Autumn and Adam, have decided lead a small bible study every Tuesday night for college students (and beyond) in my tiny 450 square foot studio apartment. Last night was the 4th week and we had about 8 souls in my "living room" gathered for the same purpose, Jesus. The past few weeks have been awesome, I have loved diving so deep into the Word. I look forward to what will come up and be discussed as we go verse by verse in the book of James and to listen to other peoples input has been incredible. We have such a fun mix of people, it's interesting to hear from every walk of life.

This week set apart coincidence from answered prayer. I have been praying since November for friends in Denton. Friends that follow Jesus and that provide fellowship that will support my relationship with Christ. Friends that aren't cancerous, or play politics. Friends that Love, only because Jesus put that emotion in them and not because of my doing. With that being said I am going to try and describe last night. Two new people joined the study and brought along a guitar and their voices for a time of worship. As they strummed along to "Beautiful" by Phil Wickham (listen) while sitting directly below my "Beautiful" painting I was brought to tears. The mental picture I have is something I will never forget.

Eight strangers, 5 brothers and 3 sisters, all together worshiping our Father in my 450 square foot studio apartment.

Jeremiah 31:3 says, "the Lord appeared to him from far away. I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you."

Praise God for His faithfulness, for His love and for His heart for His people.

I'll stay with you.

I've written at least 5 blogs about Joey, spent hundreds of hours thinking and talking about him and the tears I've cried are countless.

Let me be the first to say I am aware of how annoying it is. It's easy to just say "ok, you've spent 2 years being sad, it's time to get over it". I genuinely wish it was that easy. I wish I could just say "alright, I've mourned now it's over and I can get on with my life". But I can't. People that haven't lost someone don't know how it hurts, but losing someone close isn't a pain I'd wish on my greatest enemies.

It's real and it's numb.

It's hard and it's confusing.

It's long and it's slow.

It's lonely and it's sad.

Joey and I met for coffee on May 28th, 2008 to discuss his plans for California.

Joey died on May 30th.

I graduated high school on June 7th.

The Zwall's asked me to come over on June 8th where I was told of what had happened.

Every year between May 28th, and June 8th, I am covered burdened with pain. I still have to remind myself that he is really gone. I don't go days without thinking about him, ever. And his memory is often on my mind.

Please don't get me wrong, I am not fishing for sympathy nor am I trying to make anyone sad. Remember, "He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away" Revelation 21:4. The point of this story is God wins. Why is the Old Testament different then the New Testament? Because we wouldn't know how much Jesus was needed. How much Jesus is needed. We sometimes need to experience pain to appreciate Goodness.

As the anniversary of the day I found out my best friend was killed approaches I selfishly ask for prayers of comfort for myself and the Zwall family (Wendy, Jeff & Matt), as well as all of the friends Joey left here.

I'll stay with you, the walls will fall before we do.

ilu Joey Robert Zwall.

YoungLifeSeniorClub

So tonight was YoungLife Senior Club. I thought I wouldn't be emotional because I've only been with these girls for a semester. I thought that I wouldn't be that sad because I didn't watch these girls grow up and I didn't spend too much time with them before this past year.

I was wrong. I didn't get visibly emotional but at the end of club, watching the brave seniors stand on stage, in a place I was just 2 short years ago, and talk about what YoungLife has done for them was incredible. The point always being Jesus, and their appreciation for the organization. When they mentioned how much their leaders had done for them it was so touching. A girl I actually took to camp this summer came up to me after and thanked me for everything I'd done for her and in that moment I realized the gift that God gave me.

I often say that God could be doing this ministry without me and that it is a blessing that He has given me the opportunity to minister to high school girls, but to hear some of the testimonies from these students was pure blissful truth that I am the blessed one. The love I have for them is real, they have real souls and are going to go on to do real incredible things.

Happy Birthday to me!

So my birthday is in about 20 minutes.

Usually I get really excited about birthdays and usually I get let down. I place these outrageous expectations on one day and it NEVER works out.

Tonight as I was leaving campaigners, I started getting my hopes up for tomorrow. I mean I have had the most amazing week of my life. Really, I have. Tuesday I was in Austin and marched to the capital and rallied and just had a BLAST. Wednesday I got into the social work program and got one of the nicest letters ever from one of my summer staff friends (shout out to SAL!) and then today I just had an all around great day. I feel all this momentum leading up to my 20th birthday which has to be great?! Right?!

So as I started getting my hopes up I realized what was happening. I realized that I ALWAYS get my hopes up and am always let down so I immediately started telling myself not to get my hopes up. That it was just another day and if I have high expectations they are going to betray me and I am going to end up with another sad birthday. THEN I realized that I was being ridiculous.

It's my 20th birthday. The one day that I get to celebrate this crazy idea God had-- giving me life, and letting me be apart of this universe. Have expectations! But in the end, even if it is a horrible day and everything goes wrong remember that God still loves me. God still wants me to be apart of His family and above everything else, God is good.

(p.s. photo by the BEAUTIFUL Kristin Bohacek)

PTL PTL PTL

Praise. The. Lord.

Thank you personally for praying for me.

A few weeks ago I wrote a blog about how I felt so isolated in Denton and how I'd tried to make friends and it wasn't happening-- see Are You kidding me?

Well, God has responded. This blog probably wont be too long but I just wanted to say thank you so much. On Wednesday I was able to meet with a fellow UNT transfer student and it was a blast! We got lunch and I had a great time talking and being in fellowship with each other. That night I went to an event at The Village and met a girl that is a member of The Village and we prayed together and it was awesome! THEN, Thursday I went to Frisco a few hours before young life so I could do some bible studying and I met this guy that goes to the Village and he invited me to a home group!!

To say that the Lord has been faithful would be a complete understatement. The Lord has been more then faithful and I am so encouraged by Him.

PTL

Can Someone Keep Me Accountable?

Here is my reading (and a few of them are rereads) list!

Prayer -Yancey
The Ragamuffin Gospel - Manning
50 Reasons Why Jesus Came To Die -Piper
Desiring God - Piper
The Amazing Love Story - Ashburn
Velvet Elvis -Bell
The One Thing You Can't Do In Heaven -Cahill
Crazy Love -Chan
Forgotton God -Chan
Don't Waste Your Life -Piper
Searching For God Knows What - Miller
Same Kind of Different As Me -Hall
C.S. Lewis's Case for Christ -Lindsley
The Heavenly Man -Yun
Mere Christianity -Lewis
Blue Like Jazz - Miller
Jesus Wants To Save Christians- Bell
The Meaning of Prayer -Fosdick
Purpose for the Pain -Yohe
The Case For A Creator -Strobel

Goal= read all these books before the end of the summer.

4/1/2009

I started reading bibleinayear.

I recently finished this, and it was wonderful. Plus 8

I read THEMESSAGE//REMIX PAUSE-and it wasn't until 100 days prior to finishing that I realized how much I wish I had picked any other translation to read. Minus 2

Don't get me wrong, I have a love for The Message and the way Eugene wrote it for 21st century relevance, but I got a little tired of him inserting his theology into God's word. That being said, I am going to keep The Message around for years to come to compare translations and to read for fun, but no hardcore bible studies. Let's be real. Plus 2

Therefore!

Favorite Old Testament books

1) 1 Samuel (DAVID is my favorite OT character not including God duh)

2) JOB!!! (God is SOOOO sarcastic to Job. Yea I said it. Sarcastic. Love Him so much) Plus 3

3) Amos

4) Isaiah (Only because of how obvi Jesus is in it)

5) Ecclesiastes

Favorite New Testament books

1) Romans, Philippians, Ephesians (in no particular order)

2) Jude, Colossians, Hebrews, James, 1 Peter (in no particular order)

It was hard enough to limit myself to those. Sorry about all the ties, I just can not pick. You should see these books in my bible. Pretty much every verse is highlighted. And I don't say that to make myself sound SpIrItUaL, I say that because I am being completely ridiculous. Love them. Can any of us really pick a number one? Or number 2? The books not listed I still LOVE. Plus 1

Gospel's in order of most favorite to favorite

1) Luke

2) John

3) Mark

4) Matthew

They are all pretty close though. Maybe a tenth of a point off. Because they are all lovely. Plus 1

Honestly I have learned so much. The bible is SO relevant (and I don't just say that because I was reading the Message) most of the time when I found a monumental story I'd read it in NIV and ESV. Plus 2

Speaking of, I have converted officially to ESV. AmyKitchel bought me an ESV study bible for my Baptism (which deserves its own blog entry but I've been too lazy to write/busy finishing the bible) and I have been rocked by it. Plus 6

A) I got a code for esvstudybible.org which is my new favorite website. It will read you the bible, you can store your notes about certain chapters, highlight whatever you want and read study material about most verses. Pretty much it's your bible online. I know there are like 10000 sites that do this already but no, I promise this site will change your life.

B) It is awesome. Word. For. Word. (not thought-for-though like NIV or an thought-for-thought translation from NIV...like The Message) Word for freaking word. ANDDDDD with the study bible, (and most ESV's) if there is a variation they list the variation at the bottom. So tight.

Anyways, I am a full supporter of the ESV translation. Obviously any translation is fine because if you are reading the bible in a certain translation it's pretty awesome that you're reading the bible in the first place. That being said, if you are studying the bible and looking for God's Word- I wouldn't take NIV or The Message too seriously. Nothing against them, there is a reason they are considered translations of the bible, just from personal experience I feel like I would much rather read word for word then thought-for-thought.

Sorry about that long rant, Minus 2

Final score = +19!

Read the bible, ftw.

I'd love to say something like, read the whole thing before you make judgments about it but if I'm being honest I think it's pretty sweet that you are reading it in the first place. 20 bonus points. Since I spent this whole post lightly bashing The Message I am going to go ahead and contradict myself, if reading the Old Testament is hard and you can't keep to it-- read the Old Testament in The Message so you understand what is going on and then read it in ESV or another word-for-word translation! Do it!!!!

Final final score = +39!!!!

Are You kidding me?!

I don't like blogs about problems. Even more- I don't like writing them. That being said please excuse my last 10 blogs my entire blogging history...and this blog. But starting next blog I'll try to keep them as upbeat as possible. My apologies.

So I have ended my day today with a general theme of how I feel about living in Denton right now. Bitter probably isn't the best word...maybe a little bit of bitterness mixed with confusion mixed with a patience-problem. Boiling it down it all comes out to a big "Are You Kidding me God?"

I don't want this to sound depressing at all so get that thought out of your head because I am not at all depressed...or pissed, just confused. Back on track- I have no friends in Denton. Not one true friend that I hang out with and call and live life with. A few people go to UNT that I went to high school with, there are a few people I have classes with that I talk to..during class (and of course if heaven forbid someone were to get some crazy illness and need me to take notes for them) and then one or two that I have hung out with once and then fallen off the radar. I have been racking my brain on how I made friends in Arkansas because I didn't go there with a bunch of friends yet when I left I had so many good ones. So what is going on?

I think the Lord is calling me to a season of isolation. I say that only because I have definitely tried to make friends. I go to the same church every week and sit by myself, I even got baptized at the church! (Not to make friends of course but because of my love for Jesus!) I tried to join a home group but they are all full. There aren't enough leaders to lead more home groups so I'm kind of out of luck with that avenue. I have applied to 7 jobs and no one has called me back. Today was my most desperate attempt to make friends. I went to the crime alert meeting at my apartment complex. I was the only one that attended...out of over 300+ residents. After that I went to a different church's College group (The church I currently go to doesn't have a college group) where I sat by myself and met no one. Obvi I could have gone up to a random person and introduced myself but it seemed like EVERYONE was in a group with 2 or 3 other people and were in deep conversation.

I'm not going to lie, I came home very frustrated. Not at the church I went to or the residents in my complex but at God. Why would You call me to a place 300 miles away from my friends and then not deliver? What is the point of being here? I mean I have my ministry in Frisco with Young Life and I absolutely love it. I love my girls, I love the leaders I love the deliverance of the Gospel. I love that. But why Denton? Why UNT? I take the bus every day and every day there are new faces. I go to the same classes where everyone seems to know everyone and I end up just hanging out alone. I even met some of the Young Life leaders here (because I thought we'd have so much in common) but they never remember me when I see them around town. I go to church every week and I am recognized by no one. Why? Again, I am not mad, just confused. I enjoy the time I have to myself. I never sit at home and wish I had friends in Denton to come over and hang out with because I'm usually pretty busy with reading or homework. I do sit at home and wish I had community and fellowship in Denton. What I really long for is a house to live in with a couple of Jesus loving girls in this beautiful city.

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified. Romans 8:28-30

Therefore do not throw away your confidence, which has a great reward. For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God you may receive what is promised. Hebrews 10:35-36

Mmmmm Good one God. Plus 5

I love it. I am ok with not having friends right now because it is building up my relationship with Christ and when I have a problem instead of calling up the first friend I can think of, I call up the only Friend that can honestly say loves me unconditionally and always has my best at heart. I am constantly on my own and being pointed to scripture by the Holy Spirit and it is awesome. Would I choose this isolated life over one filled with friends? Probably not but I'm glad that it has made a nice little(hopefully) appearance.

It has forced me to look back on all the times I was at an event with tons of my friends and saw someone sitting by themselves. It gave them a personality in my mind. I know I was overlooked by tons of people tonight, not even thought about by most. I know that I am someone they will probably never think about again and that it didn't even register that I have a story and a future. So many times I convince myself I am different and unique but in their minds I am just a body occupying space. I know this because I have done that. Non-consciously thought that about countless of people. Now that I know how it feels to be outside of the crowd I want to be on the inside so I can put this knowledge to good use. Other people that have felt the way I felt tonight, I know it.

Another Good one God for tonight. Plus 7

If you get a chance, please pray for endurance for me. And please let me know in a comment or a facebook message or even an email if there is anything I can be praying for you about.

Love you, mean it.

The Village

I don't ever want to be one of those people that say "Matt Chandler says ..." or "At the village we were taught...." etc. because I always want to be someone that says "the bible taught me...." but this website changed my life.

http://denton.thevillagechurch.net/articles

Question/Answers that are backed up by legit scripture.
not Matt Chandler
or The Village
or my young life leader
or my friend
or some guy on the side of the road.

Nope, that thing that The Holy Spirit gave to us. You know, The Bible.


If you were raised in the church, awesome.
I wasn't so I don't know how that feels, but from what I've experienced I feel the desperate need to tell you personally to keep an open mind.
Read Romans 2, look how far being Jewish got people with Jesus. Read Philippians 3, Paul is constantly throwing out his Jewish credentials. Read Ephesians 3. Read Luke 13:23-28.

I do not know everything, believe me I am very far from that. But Since I am such a baby Jesus-follower I have to keep an open mind to everything. I wasn't fed religion as a child so usually when I hear something radical that is "in the bible" I always have to check it out for myself to make sure its true. It breaks my heart that people were taught certain theologies as if they were 100% Truth and they have no room to look for themselves because they were taught at such a young age that one way is the right way always. It's almost like a prejudice because it seems like it's a pre-recorded tape playing over and over in their head. This is not a shot at people who have been raised in the Church. In fact I am very envious of you because you were able to learn about Jesus for 19 years and I started my journey 5 years ago. All I am saying is before you defend a certain theology, question it and find it for yourself in the bible. Google the pros and cons of it. Make your own opinions.

Love you, mean it.

You're worth it.

This weekend I went on leadership retreat where I was able to hear Bob Mitchell, one of the first members of Young Life, speak. He is incredible. His dad donated money to Jim Rayburn to start up the first club (even though it was called something different then), Bob's entire family became believes because of Young Life and Bob went on to become the president of Young Life years later. Obviously he isn't too young but he is so full of knowledge, and on top of all that - he is hilarious! I took some videos of him speaking-

This one is about Jim Rayburn and a camping trip they went on. The first part got cut off but basically Bob was talking about how on the camping trip Jim had a blow up mattress and everyone else had sleeping bags and they were so upset that in the middle of the night they unplugged his mattress and let all the air out...

And this one is about him being old (:

I love him and am so blessed to have been able to listen to him speak.

my birthday is in 53 days

or something like that.

I don't care about possessions but if you feel the need.....

why not one for one?!?

Borges Cordones -size 8

Dolina Cordones -size 8

Shirt -small

I love TOMS shoes, and have had a long unwanted break with a new pair. The shoes have gotten pretty pricey so if you want to chip in $5 I would be $5 closer to a new pair! It's been toooo long. The styles go fast so I'm sure in 50 days these will be gone.

With that being said if you want to give me money I'd much rather you pledge a donation to Frisco YoungLife to get kids to camp! We are having a bowl-a-thon on April 18th (oh 2 days after my birthday, how convenient!!) and you can pledge to donate per pin I knock down!! It would be so great if you could help us out! Let me know (:

If you email me your mailing address I'll get a fundraising letter sent to you along with an extra envelope to send donations back!

Etty Hillesum

a young Jewish girl who kept a journal during her stay at Auschwitz.

"Sometimes when I stand in some corner of the camp, my feet planted on Your earth, my eyes raised towards Your Heaven, tears sometimes run down my face, tears of deep emotion and gratitude. And I want to be there right in the thick of what people call horror and still be able to say: life is beautiful. Yes I lie here in a corner, parched and dizzy and feverish and unable to do a thing. Yet I am also with the jasmine and the piece of sky beyond my window. For once you have begun to walk with God, you need only keep on walking with God and all of life becomes one long stroll-- a marvelous feeling."

Control issues.

-I am still missing a drawer in my kitchen

-My closet light doesn't/hasn't ever work

-Maintenance hates me.

-My internet stopped working and I had to call and get my unit replaced

-My financial aid took 2 months to go through

-I had to change apartments 2 days before I moved in because my apartment wasn't ready forcing me to call my cable/internet, bank & electric company to change my address last minute

-Walmart charged me twice for one big purchase and couldn't fix it for a month

-The dog situation has gone way down hill

-My oven is about 100 degrees hotter then what it is suppose to be

-My smoke alarm goes off weekly

-My freezer doesn't work and I didn't know until I spent $30 on frozen foods just for them to go bad

-I still have yet to receive all my text books

-I bought the wrong textbooks off craigslist because of false advertisement

-My hot water only works for 15 minutes

-I got ripped off by ebay trying to buy movies

Honestly the list could go on.

I was driving home the other day thinking about if moving to Denton was the right thing for me to do, I mean all this stuff keeps happening. Once one crisis is adverted another one bigger and harder comes to light. After praying about this I came to realize that I had lost complete control of my life, but seconds later I realized that I never had control of my life. Sure when I decided to move to Denton I had everything going for me and everything thing was falling into place but to think I had control was a misconception being fed by Satan.

I guess I like being in control, maybe that's my fatal flaw, maybe this whole experience moving to Denton was to teach me that I'm never in control. I loved Arkansas, but God picked me up and said no. After dealing with that I tried to make plans for Denton and God changed every single one of them. Every plan. To where I ended up in a studio apartment across from a county jail with a broken oven and freezer.

I like it this way. (No sarcasm) I like being constantly reminded that God is in control of my life. These little mishaps that keep coming up are wonderfully showing me His greatness. I've come to love not being in control. It's so much less stressful and I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. What's funny is I was the one putting all the weight on my shoulders to begin with. God never expected me to try and control my life, my parents never expected me to carry the weight of our family and my friends didn't expect me to control the outcome of our friendship. I am so thankful that I've never been in control, with my track record who knows where I'd be, but thanks to God's grace I've ended up alright. I'm still alive, well physically. I'm not in jail, I'm following Jesus and I have a personal relationship with Christ.

I feel a cheesy Carrie Underwood song coming to mind...

7:01 PM

I wrote this blog about an hour ago maybe more, maybe less. After feeling satisfied I sat down to read some more of Prayer by Yancy to keep up my chapter a day only to find this statement about humility:

"Most of what I am -- my nationality and mother tongue, my race, my looks and body shape, my intelligence, the century in which I was born, the fact that I am still alive and relatively healthy --I had little or no control over. On a larger scale, I cannot affect the rotation of planet earth, or the orbit that maintains a proper distance from the sun so that we neither freeze nor roast, or the gravitational forces that somehow keep our spinning galaxy in exquisite balance. There is a God and I am not it. "

God has the best sense of humor and He is so Good.

JRZ

MaryKate&Ashley

I miss you so much.
The day I found out you were gone will always feel recent. I can tell you every detail about that day from the moment I woke up at Jaz's house to the moment I slowly drifted to sleep. Everyone came over so we could be together. Even Juan, and you know how that friendship was. Of course we are much better friends now. I remember laying on the floor of my room without enough energy to get up. Someone would ask me how I was and the only emotion I could register was sadness. The constant calls and text messages from people I hadn't talked to in years. June 8th was my worst day. But I made it, and although God has strengthened my heart, He hasn't erased our memories.

I don't question His plan. He is so much bigger then I am, and I know that God is Good. He put you in my life for so many reasons.

I love you twin.

Home.

Mark David Chapman

Recently I watched the movie Chapter 27. If you aren't familiar with it, it's about Mark David Chapman killing The Beatles, John Lennon. While watching it all seemed very dark to me, a lot of the shots were in a dark hotel room or at night so it physically was dark but more then that Mark David Chapman seems so obsessed with John Lennon that it's sick and to me it seems like he just put his brain in a bunch of acid. During the movie he reads and rereads The Catcher in the Rye, because he believes he and main character, Holden Caulfield, are one and that Holden is pushing him towards murdering Lennon. Jared Leto (the actor for Mark David Chapman) does an incredible job at portraying him, because I really felt the darkness that surrounded Chapman. When he found out that John Lennon's apartment was a part of some of the production of movie Rosemary's Baby, Chapman started talking about Satan, with almost a slight grin. I'm not sure if that is what really happened, but I assume that he did have some sort of fascination with the devil. At the end of the movie they showed some real footage of news reports after the murder, and then talked a little bit about what Chapman was doing now. First of all, I thought he had to have died by now with all the Lennon fans so upset, I figured we had a repeat of Lee Harvy Oswald/John F. Kennedy but no, Mark David Chapman is currently in a New York prison. Second, I thought that he would be in a mental hospital because he obviously has some issues upstairs if he thought that a fictional character from The Catcher in the Rye was talking to him and convincing him to shoot John. Third I thought he has got to be either worshiping Satan or in his own little world but again I was wrong. He is a Christian.

I actually paused the movie and reread that a few times because I was a little shocked. I know people can change, heck I changed a lot from just a few years ago and I do realize that a lot of people in prison or in jail find Jesus and change their life but this whole movie revolved around how dark he was and I finally saw this light. This guy has hope. Can you imagine killing THE John Lennon? Especially if he was your idol. Right now, the person you admire most. Obviously I wasn't alive when this happened but, to me this would have been a much bigger deal then Michael's death (RIP MJ, love you) even thought I loved him a lot. Regardless this guy has been forgiven. According to Yoko Ono (Lennon's widow) the pope even came and forgave Chapman in person! After doing some research I saw that not only has Mark David Chapman come out and said he is a born-again Christian, he is really living like one. He has been wonderful while in prison, in all the interviews I have read he talks about the Lord and has been through the bible quite a few times.

He has asked for parole, but been denied 5 times. I think he can ask again this August so we'll see what happenes. Yoko Ono believes that if he is let out he will be killed by a Beatles fan, and I'm sure that has a lot to do with why. As for me, I think that it's crazy that when I sit down and read my bible I am reading the same thing that Mark David Chapman read. The thing that saved his soul. When I pray, I am talking to the same God that Chapman fought with and ended up helplessly in His arms.

I really believe that Chapman is going to heaven. Obviously I'm not Jesus so I couldn't tell you for sure, but I'm looking forward to being with him after life.

While watching this movie, Chapter 27, I was somewhat bored. I mean I'd heard it all before. I figured I'd watch it once and then forget about it but those 6 words at the very end of the movie, "He is a born-again Christian" changed everything for me, it got me really thinking. If Jesus can forgive Chap If Chapman can accept that Jesus forgave him, and move on with his life why can't we? Sometimes when I do something terrible it eats me up inside for weeks. I'll acknowledge that Jesus has forgiven me but I still let it get to me, I still let Satan have a foothold on my life.

Goal for the rest of my life;

When I do something wrong-

Step 1: Ask Jesus to forgive me

Step 2: Accept that He has forgiven me because He is the bomb

Step 3: Forgive myself and move on, learning and not forgetting (avoiding making the same mistake twice).