Changes.

I feel as if my heart is changing as are the leaves with the season.

Except this change is different. This change, within myself, is different from before. This isn't a temporary change.

My life is settling down. I'm finding out who I am and falling into place with who I will be for the rest of my life.

I'd say I'm 'lucky' but I know it boils down to more then luck. According to my calendar I'd say the Holy Spirit came just in time, but I know that according to the Lord's calendar he came not a minute too early, not a minute too late.

It's interesting how a certain kind of love can change your life forever. Like the love my friends didn't show me when I stood up against the path we were heading down. Or the love that strangers rushed to wrap me in, not because of my own merit but because of a love they had been shown.

Sometimes the encouragement I feel is overwhelming, but when that encouragement is gone and all I feel is loneliness the silence is deafening.

If you know anything about me, you probably know I am in love with a man named David. You see, I've loved David for a long time because of his consistent love for God, despite what people said and most of all despite of what he did. David wasn't the greatest man to walk the earth he wasn't even close to perfect. He messed up. A lot. But for years I always said I would marry David, knowing everything I know about him, if it was possible. But think I've found the underlining reason, that drives my love for David and to say the least I was shocked. It's not his manliness or his persistence. I loved David because I am just like him.

I mess up. I lack encouragement. I lack joy. I have days of sorrow. I yearn for mercy.

Psalm 51:9-12 is a clip from David's response to God after he was confronted by a prophet calling him out for cheating on his wife, impregnating a married women, killing her husband and frankly letting his nation down. The verses says, "Hide your face from my sins, and blot out all my iniquities. Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not away from your presence, and take not your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit."

Australia

This is a topic I may have talked about before but after spending some good quality time with Jesus I feel like it deserves it's very own blog post.

As many of you know (since only 3 people read this...hi mom!) I have applied to study a semester in Australia. I've been praying about this trip for over a year and this past summer decided the Lord was giving me the go ahead leading up to a 4 month long application process. After finishing the online application, getting a passport, filling out flight information, housing information, medical information, background information, emergency contact information, signing agreement and release forms, picking my classes, writing a personal essay, getting an academic reference and mailing 5 2x2 photos of myself (2x2 photos are harder to get then they seem!) I have been in a 3 week long season of waiting. I recently found out that the 15 hours I took last semester at the good 'ole UNT weren't good enough so 1.5 weeks after finishing my entire application I was told that I needed to write another essay on academic excellence and get a different academic reference to fill out a form and write a letter of recommendation. Needless to say, a lot of paperwork and time have been involved.

The first week I was nervous. I thought about my acceptance (or nonacceptance) pretty much every minute of every day. If I wasn't in class or had a free moment to check my phone I was checking my application status and email to look for an update or a change. Nothing happened.

The second week I made a deal with myself that every time I thought about Studying Abroad or my application I'd pray for a different Young Life kid, since it was clearly becoming a huge idol in my life. It worked very well and I stopped thinking about studying abroad and started thinking more about the ministry I'd committed to and the kids I care so deeply about.

The third week I have become very content. Honestly at this point I know that either way it goes that the Lord has accomplished what I set out to do. Even before I started praying about studying abroad I started praying about having a richer and more childlike faith. I've been praying for a better prayer life. And most of all I've been praying for patience. Through this entire experience every single one of those prayers has been answered.

The Lord put this incredible desire in my heart to study abroad on July 23rd, 2009, and I have prayed almost every single day since then. I didn't desire to study abroad thinking that it would change my relationship with Jesus but because of that desire it drove me into prayer. Daily prayer. Something I had wanted but never been able to accomplish.

I have been forced to wait. I always talk about how I am the "exception" to almost every rule. How a coke machine could work for every single person but the one time I put my money in it doesn't work. This applies to almost every aspect of my life and I've learned to deal with it. Being the one person that's application was put on hold didn't surprise me. Most people hear back from their study abroad advisor within 48 hours, but my application has been completed for 3 weeks. I've been forced to be patience and through that patience I've learned to enjoy the little things. I've learned how much it doesn't matter if I go study abroad or stay in the states. Life goes by quickly, but the Lord stays the same. Waiting has become sweet because I know that in the end, no matter what happens to me the Lord is there and there is more to learn and even more to do.

There is something about having faith that is so sweet. I've come to a point where I've been able to take a step back and look at the situation. I've been given options for every outcome possible and am content with whatever God has in store for me. I know I have purpose either way it goes. Does that mean I don't desire to study abroad or I wont be upset about not getting into the program? Absolutely not! But I know either way the cookie crumbles that God will be glorified and my relationship with Christ will not be shaken, and the joy I find in that is so fulfilling.

Truly, either way the study abroad situation goes I am thankful. I have been given an incredible opportunity to learn what trusting the Lord and finding comfort in Him loos and feels like and if I was given the choice to do this all again, I would do it in a heart beat. That being said, if you get a chance or you think about it when your closing your prayers please do pray I find favor in the hearts of my advisors as they are making their last decision about allowing me to study abroad. Pray for God glory in my life through this situation, and pray I am comforted when the final decision is made.

I'll let you know an update as soon as I know. Thank yall for all your support and listening to me moan and grown for the past year and 1/2!

Update: I just received news that my application has been accepted! Praise the Lord!

Prayin' for all those rude people

Prayer. It's a part of our everyday lives...or it should be. Ok confession time, about this time last year I'd conceder myself on the way towards a strong, biblically sound faith. But was my prayer life coming along for the ride? Absolutely not. Sure, I'd pray at night before I went to sleep for a few minutes...when I remembered. During the day I'd try and pray for the people I saw walking to class, the younglife kids back in Frisco were a hot topic, my relationship and friendships were always touched on, etc. If you were to ask me if I had a solid prayer life I'd say definitely. Because at that point, I thought I did. I thought, "Hey, Jesus prayed so it ought to be pretty important right? I should set aside at least 10 minutes during the 1440 that I am given. Yea! That should do it!" Today, I look back on that and laugh.

It was November 27th that I started a journal on a misson. The misson was to go as long as possible without skipping one night of prayer. After 43 days in a row of prayer I missed one night. I will never forget the next morning, I had just moved into my apartment and with moving and building furniture (thanks ikea.) and getting settled I passed out before I got to spend good solid time with the Lord. It tormented me. Not just for a couple of minutes, but the entire day. After that I went 32 days of prayer and flaked out once again. This one hit me a little harder, and for a week I prayed about how upset I was. Eventually I got over it and started back up again until I finished my entire moleskine. I got the journal on October 17th, 2009 (a year from yesterday), didn't start really using it as a prayer journal until November 27th but filled all the pages by June 9th. A little over 6 months. I don't say any of this to brag, not at all! I say it to say in those 6 months my growth with God was tremendous. I am 90% sure without that solid prayer life my relationship with God would have disintegrated. During these 5 months I was moving 300 miles, and starting a new life with no friends and no social support system. There were days when I wanted to drop out, there were days I wanted to move back to Arkansas but when I had no one, The Lord was there. Listening to every word I thought up, enjoying the words that flowed from my pen. (Proverbs 15:8) And I was comforted. Did it happen immediately? No. Did it happen every time I felt alone? No. But it happened enough for me to realize that constant prayer changes things. "Sometimes when we pray it feels as if God has indeed nodded off. Raise your voice, Jesus' story implies (Luke 11). Strive on, like the shameless neighbor in the middle of the night. Keep pounding (on) the door." After reading that I realized I need to be shameless. I need to keep pounding at that door. Being comforted by Luke 11 was only the beginning.

I recently have finished a book on Prayer (only 10 months later! Thanks, college.) and the wisdom that I've come away with has changed not only my life but my heart. To say that I love people would be an understatement. I mean, I'm a social work major for cryin' out loud. I love to love people. And to hear their stories is one of my favorite things about what I get to do every day. I honestly go to class and feel like I'm cheating some kind of system by taking classes that will not only help a career but my life, my family and my friends. That being said, I can be pretty judgmental at times. A girl in my spanish class asks me if we have a test that day and I immediately think she is an idiot. Someone cuts me off when I'm in a hurry. I overhear a conversation about my favorite baseball team and the people talking don't know anything about any of the players...or baseball for that matter. The little things through my day that make me A) think I'm better then everyone else and B) give me a reason to make fun of them. I knew by judging them I was being hateful and even sinning at times, but I thought the cure was to just try and stop.

That may work for some people but as this problem was growing, my heart was getting sicker and sicker. Finally after a few slaps in the face I read this passage "I see intercession as an increase in my awareness. When I pray for another person, I am praying for God to open my eyes so that I can see that person as God does, and then enter into the stream of love that God already directs toward that person. Something happens when I pray for others in this way. Bringing them into God's presence changes my attitude toward them and ultimately affects our relationship. I pray for the neighbor who is always trying to sneak out of paying his share of neighborhood assessments and begin to see him not as a conniver but as a friendless man who lives with constant financial worries.". Why not pray? When I pray for these people that make me angry, the people that cut me off or ask stupid questions I'm giving them a face. I'm giving them a soul. When I see the girl in spanish I don't immediately think she is dumb, but I think about the last time I prayed for her and I wonder if those prayers have been answered. Is she a freshman worried about school and overwhelmed by her classes? How's she feeling now? Does she need tutoring or help of any kind? What can I do to help her life be easier? How can I show her Christ through my actions?

It's such an easy thing to do, but I never thought to do it. Not seriously at least.

How can we pray for someone we are angry with or don't like and walk away with a bitter taste? How is it possible to come before Our Lord, asking to see people as He sees them, and remain angry? 1 Corinthians 8:11 says "And so by your knowledge this weak person is destroyed, the brother for whom Christ died". Christ died for that person that cut me off. Christ died for that person that made a rude comment about my outfit. Christ died for the tax collectors, and the shammed.

"I pray for all the faces I have seen, and they become not just faces but fellow human beings who have fallen victim to evil on this planet. As I pray, their pain becomes mine, and I bring their plight before God."

(all quotes unless stated otherwise were from Philip Yancey's book "Prayer")

Happy Happy Birthday!

I know I said I wouldn't write any more sad post about Joey, but it's his birfday!

For your birthday this year I will put up an incredibly embarrassing picture of us before we went to homecoming one year.

You'd be 20 today! Meaning this 4 year old picture should be burned. Haha no, but really I love you and will be spending the day celebrating your life and how wonderful you were.

Anne said it best "How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard."

Blogging fail

I have been a total flake when it comes to blogging consistently. When I started this blog I originally wanted to blog 2 times a week! It's crazy that it's been months since my last real blog, but I guess I don't want to fake it. I don't want to write a blog when I feel like the Lord hasn't moved my heart because then this blog would be more about me and less about what the Lord has been teaching me. That being said, here goes a small life update.

If you saw my last blog you would have seen my sister getting married. Actually, in the particular picture my dad was giving her away, but you know what I mean. The wedding was last Saturday and the ceremony was beautiful, I was amazed at how my sister and Cheyne completely stayed true to their values. If anyone would have replicated their wedding it would have been tacky but because it was Stephanie & Cheyne, it was perfect. Hopefully you can't tell in any of the pictures taken, but the entire time I was on the verge of losing it because of all the joy in my heart. Simply beautiful.

Moving on, school has started! I love my Social Work classes. I hate my 3 hour blocks of class. No, but really, since my classes are scheduled for me and only offered at one time every SW class is once a week so I literally have class for 7 hours in a row on Tuesdays and then work. Not that I'm complaining because my classes are filled with hypothetical situations and mock cases which are a blast, but it is definitely draining.


The Lord continues to provide in my life. I think I am starting to realize I don't need a lot of friends to be happy. I think I just need a few friends I can call community, my family and the Lord. (Sorry to continue talking about this) Due to the wedding a lot of my family came in from out of town and I was constantly reminded how blessed I am to have such a huge and loving family. These people truly care about me and would be here in a minute if I needed help.

I have recently discovered my love for writing letters. Not facebook messages or emails, actual handwritten letters that you mail...with a stamp. That's all I am going to say about that for now.

That's all I want to blog about for now. Usually when I blog it sparks something inside that forces me to blog 3 more times in the next 24 hours and maybe I'll have something insightful to say. We'll see.

My Sister's Wedding

Angels.

At bible study tonight we talked about blogs and it reminded me of something I use to have...oh wait, no I still have one of these suckers. Autumn brought up an idea, what if everyone had a blog? I'd imagine it'd be a lot of complaining and whining (welcome to my blog), but whining aside it would remind everyone that those people you interact with every day- they have souls. They have thoughts. They have feelings. They have lives outside of you.

Let's take a look at the last 24 hours.
About this time last night I was in Walmart trying to find ink for my moms printer so I could print out my sisters bridal invitations and get them mailed before I went out of town. I walked into Walmart with a bad attitude and passed the greeter, wait why is he still here? Does he work every night at midnight? Why doesn't he get to greet people in the day time? He seemed nice. Does he have multiple jobs and this is just his second or third one of the day? What would his blog say? Soul. Now I'm practically sprint-walking to the electronic section because it's been a long day, too long. Woops, since I was walking too fast I almost ran into a night time shopper coming out of the spice isle with his cart. Soul. What was he doing out so late? Was everything ok at home? Does he have a wife and kids back home and couldn't sleep? Or maybe this is when he did his shopping to avoid all the chaos during the day? He seemed nice as well, he apologized for almost running into me even though I knew it was my fault and I took his apology and wished him a nice night. Finally hanging the sharp left towards the electronics. Passed the shoe section and saw a worker stocking the shoe department. Wait, now that I think about it there were tons of workers stocking the food isles that I over looked. Do they restock every night? It seems as if every night I come to Walmart they are restocking. Why were they working the late shift? What would their blogs say? Are they content with Jesus? Is this job a ministry opportunity? Or are they looking for something more? Are they the type of people that just go to work and go home without any social interaction? Soul, Soul, Soul. Ahhh the electronic section! Of course I walked down every single isle until I found myself at the end of the electronic section where they keep the printer ink. They only have 4 ink options! Wait, I think I saw a women stocking some products by the electronic help desk. Again, what is she doing working so late? I usually praise Sam Walton for 24 hour Walmart's but I never thought about the people working? These people aren't on a very good sleep schedule. Maybe they can't sleep, and they want something to do. Maybe this job is a blessing not a curse. Soul. Found more ink for printers. Of course they don't have the ink I need. I'll go ask that women working, she doesn't look too overwhelmed. Who am I kidding? She has at least 15 unopened boxes and looks as tired as I feel. I ask anyways, she has no clue but opts to opening a box of random printer stuff and dumps it on the floor to sift through. That's not going to be fun to pick up and put away. A man and a women walk up in their pajamas and ask about censoring in movies, the worker doesn't know. 2 Souls. What were they doing? Do they realize it's already midnight and they want to buy a movie and watch it now? Why am I so tired? They don't look tired. What would their blog say? Do they love each other? They are obviously dating. Maybe their married? The worker continues to look through the pile of random printer stuff for my ink. A women and 3 kids walk up to the worker. 4 Souls. Wait, does SHE know what time it is? Why does she have those kids out at midnight! She tries to control them  but she looks too stressed to care at this point. She proceeds to ask the worker, I wish I looked at her name, if they carry a charger for her phone. Apparently her husband came back from IRAQ today and her phone died and she cant call him and the other Walmart didn't carry her phone's charger and she's been driving around trying to find one. The worker turns to me and tells me they don't have the ink for my printer. Are you kidding?! All that for nothing. I guess I'll find a different Walmart. I ask the worker where the closest Walmart is and she doesn't know. The women with the 3 kids tells me the closest 4 Walmart's are. She was a big help. I feel bad for getting annoyed when she interrupted me earlier. Now I really fly down the isles on the way to my car. Finally out of the walmart, and on the phone trying to call the one 5 miles away. A women answers and has no idea what an "Epson Printer" is and tells me they don't have ink for it. What was she doing working late? Where was her office? She answered pretty quickly and knew what kind of ink they had without hesitating. Was that her job? To just answer phones? Soul. On to the next Walmart. In fear of them rejecting me I opted not to call and thought I'd just wing it. This one was 6 miles away but it'd be ok because it was already 12:45. Walk past the greeter, again another nice man. Soul. What were all these nice men doing out so late? What did they want to be when they grew up? Is being a Walmart greeter their hopes and dreams? Running to the back of the store this Walmart seems unoccupied. Electronic section. My ink! They have it! On to the check out lane. There is a man infront of me in line, but I'm too keen on figuring out if I want the kit-kat or just a hersheys chocolate bar. I pick the kit-kat. It's my turn to pay. A man puts his stuff behind mine but doesn't put a divider. He was with a girl, they were older. What were they doing out late buying planters soil? Weird. The cahier was quite. I wonder what his plans were for after work. Not in a weird way, just I wonder what his life consists of. He was nice. The night is complete! Hardly. I make my way back to Melissa to print out the invitations. I pass a few cars but not too many. Souls, Souls, Souls. Finally get back to Melissa and work until 6:30 with my mom on the invites and get them done just in time for her to leave for work. What a great mom. Quick nap and on the road again to Denton. A nap should be in my near future but I needed to get the invites out or staying up all night to finish them would be pointless. Stop by the post office. I stayed at the front door an extra 15 seconds to hold the door for a random man. He was so grateful. Soul. On my way to the back I run into Adam, one of my 3 friends that hang out around Denton. We talk for about 30 minutes. I really am grateful for him and Autumn in my life. At least 20 people pass us. 20 Souls. It's the time I've been dreading, waiting in the Post Office line. I dislike this post office the most because it sometimes takes an hour just in line. I walk inside and they have 4 workers. They've never had that many people working the front before. There are 6 people in front of me. One older women with a lot of makeup smiles at me. I smile back. Soul. It only takes 15 minutes to purchase my stamps. Success. I wonder how long theses postal workers have been here. Everyone hates the post office, so I know they get a hard time pretty much all day. They must be tired. They must be passionate about being a postal worker for still working here. What would their blog say? The man that helps me was so nice. He has always been my favorite and the one that I secretly hope to get every time I have to go in. I put the stamps on my invites and sense someone looking at me. I look up. Bingo. A man looked interested in what I was doing but I was too tired to care. Soul. Dump the invites into the mail slot and head out to my car. Start the car. Finally pull into my apartment complex and stop to pay my rent. Melissa was working and she is my favorite worker so I felt safe giving her my rent check. What could be keeping her at these crappy apartments? She is such a mother figure it makes me feel a lot better about not knowing anyone in this town. Soul. Get back in my car and drive to my apartment. Unload my car and crash on the couch for a few minutes. Check the TV to see if Boy Meets World recorded. TV doesn't work. Internet doesn't work. Call Verizon. On hold for 30 minutes and finally connect to an actual human. He was nice. I wonder wehre he lives. Did my call stay in America? Soul. The line cuts out. I call back and wait on hold for 15 minutes. Someone answers only long enough to say hello before I accidentally end the call. Soul. Call for the 3rd time only to get a call on the other line from the first man that I talked too. Thankful. He sets up a mechanic to come out but he wont be here until tomorrow. Finish up the conversation and end the call. Call Crossroads where I got a speeding ticket. A young sounding women answers and tells me that my ticket wont be in the system until next week. I'm going out of town on Monday. This is not good. Was she being lazy and not processing it or were the computers really slow. It's a small town, it's no Dallas. Soul. Hang up the phone. Bible Study. Soul, Soul, Soul. Pull some wires and fix my internet. Type blog.

Let brotherly love continue. Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for thereby some have entertained angels unawares. Hebrews 13:1-2 These people have souls. These people could be on the verge of finding Jesus. They could already have a great foundation. We would never know if we didn't care. They could be angels, for all we know.

When I started this blog, I thought it would be quick. I didn't realize how many people I'd actually interacted with in 24 hours. How many people have you seen in the last 24 hours? How many souls did you over look?